July 30, 2008

Shadows of P'Jem

After two months I've summoned the strength to review the next episode of Enterprise, but it was still almost too much. Berman and Braga present us with the aftermath of The Andorian Incident, and it's about as clever as plastic toilet paper. Archer and T'Pol are captured by a small terrorist faction and Tucker decides to let them die just to spite the Vulcans - well, not quite, but it's very, very close. Plus, the return of the Colin Macharie Andorian.

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June 5, 2008

Sleeping Dogs

More Klingons in Enterprise, the only people close to being more misrepresented than the Vulcans in this series. In this episode we learn that the Klingons are disgusting pigs who likely pick their noses and flick it at the instruments and probably wonder what a lavatory is for. On Starfleet side, we see that all those other crew members on board are apparently just there for ballast, as none of them are allowed to do their jobs no matter how stupid it gets.

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May 22, 2008

Dear Doctor

The Star Trek franchise hits a low, where we see the captain and the doctor conspire to wipe out an entire race of people based on nonsense. It doesn't matter how much you might love the padding disguised as character development, the fact is, our "heroes" decide to wipe out an entire race for pseudoscientific reasons, that your DNA shows the direction you're meant to evolve. Phlox is no different than advocates of eugenics in the twentieth century, who likewise employed twisted science to support their positions, that they're operating with the best of intentions as they go about their dark business. That this seems to be the only negative review on the internet just goes to show people are completely ignorant of evolution or have bought into the religion of the Prime Directive so much that they would murder ten million babies and call it moral.

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May 15, 2008

Silent Enemy

Enterprise is getting ready to celebrate Reed's birthday, so Archer talks to his extemely uptight British parents, then puts Hoshi in charge of finding out what his favorite food is. All this completely sucks the air out of what could have been a very intense and frightening story of mysterious aliens that threaten Enterprise, but we can't have actual suspense, can we? Bam bam bam!

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April 24, 2008

Cold Front

So, after spending the whole damn pilot on this temporal cold war thing, we are only now, nearly a dozen episodes later, getting the next story... by a different writer no less. So much for Berman and Baraga's grand vision. Future Guy acts like a moron, then sends Silik out to Enterprise, where he is confronted by a time traveling waiter. Plus, the power of ice cream.

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April 17, 2008

Fortunate Son

We find a cargo freighter transporting various goods and a team of interstellar football players, only to be confronted by Nausicaan pirates. Enterprise must intervene to make sure the helpless freighter doesn't hurt any pirates - yeah, it didn't make much more sense watching it either. At least Mayweather gets a chance to speak more than three lines to someone besides Hoshi or Reed, although his Shakespeare in the park bit is a little unnecessary. Also, we once again see the Berman-Braga mandate of taking anything remotely cool or terrifying and completely pussifying it.

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April 10, 2008

Civilization

Well, apparently the buzz about being in space has worn off, because stupid things like comets and neutron stars bore Archer now, and he decides to go off and poke around on a pre-industrial planet in the hopes of scoring some tail. They find an evil shopkeeper who is running a massive mining operation out of the back of his antique shop, producing so much valuable ore that it takes three whole crates and a bald guy with a wheelbarrow to haul it away.

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March 20, 2008

Breaking The Ice

Well, good news and bad news. The good news is that this is the first episode of Enterprise I'd actually say I liked. The bad is that even then, it's still pretty stupid. Enterprise finds a comet with a mineral in it so rare that it causes the stody Vulcan captain nearby to almost give a damn. Also, T'Pol has to solve a personal problem, Tucker explains how they turn their crap into boots, and Hoshi comes darn close to actually getting a chance to do something.

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March 6, 2008

The Andorian Incident

Continuing our long string of episodes that suck, Berman and Braga give us The Andorian Incident. In this outing, we watch Archer get his stupid ass beaten again and again, but it's not all fun and games. The Andorians have mutated into bumpy foreheaded guys like most Trek aliens, so a hostage plot emerges and we get to see more of Vulcans acting like complete pricks for no reason. Plus, "sacred" relics, and proof Reed's the only person approaching competence.

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February 21, 2008

Terra Nova

The latest in their unbroken streak of just awful episodes, Terra Nova manages to do the impressive feat of being stupid AND offensive. Long lost human colony become cave men, because that's never been done before. Watch as our noble white leader struts about these dark-skinned primitives and lectures of their "birthright," because "manifest destiny" would be too obvious. Plus, more Brannon Braga stupid-speak and Travis actually gets a line.

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February 7, 2008

Unexpected

We return to Enterprise to discover that nothing has changed; in fact, the show has gotten even worse. Aliens start accidentally breaking the ship, Tucker goes over, discovers holodecks, and then gets knocked up. You know what that means: hack pregnancy jokes from Berman and Braga! Plus, meet the dumbest engineer in Starfleet.

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September 28, 2006

Strange New World

Finishing up my month of Enterprise (this being the five year anniversary of the series launch, it seemed appropriate) with a look at Strange New World. Enterprise discovers a habitable planet, so instead of heeding advice and exploring it with instruments first, Archer figures the best way to do it is drop everyone at a random spot on the planet and wander around wearing ballcaps. Oh, then people get psychotic because of his stupidity.

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September 21, 2006

Fight Or Flight

The second episode of Enterprise, and possibly the inspiration for Sealab 2021, given how nutty Archer becomes. Fight Or Flight is the story of how Archer needlessly endangers his crew while Hoshi comes to terms with the frightening situation of being alive.

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September 14, 2006

Broken Bow, Part 2

The second half of the pilot is almost endearing in its badness. Beefcake and cheesecake are on display for no good reason, Tucker introduces us to his default, dull surprise expression, Archer endangers the entire ship based on a metaphor, and we learn that two complete idiots are the only crew members who are smart enough not to get caught. Finally, this serious summed up in one phrase: Hull offline.

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September 7, 2006

Broken Bow, Part 1

Broken Bow is how this poor, poor show begins. Inside, we see an angry Klingon defeat Blue Man Group, only to be shot by Stephen King. Unfortunately, it goes downhill from there. Have you ever wondered how man truly ventured into the stars? This will make you wonder why that was ever allowed in the first place.

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Season 1

Broken Bow, Part I

Broken Bow, Part II

Fight or Flight

Strange New World

Unexpected

Terra Nova

The Andorian Incident

Breaking the Ice

Civilization

Fortunate Son

Cold Front

Silent Enemy

Dear Doctor

Sleeping Dogs

Shadows of P'Jem

Shuttlepod One

Fusion

Rogue Planet

Acquisition

Oasis

Detained

Vox Sola

Fallen Hero

Desert Crossing

Two Days and Two Nights

Shockwave, Part I

Season 2

Shockwave, Part II

Carbon Creek

Minefield

Dead Stop

A Night in Sickbay

Marauders

The Seventh

The Communicator

Singularity

Vanishing Point

Precious Cargo

The Catwalk

Dawn

Stigma

Cease Fire

Future Tense

Canamar

The Crossing

Judgment

Horizon

The Breach

Cogenitor

Regeneration

First Flight

Bounty

The Expanse

Season 3

The Xindi

Anomaly

Extinction

Rajiin

Impulse

Exile

The Shipment

Twilight

North Star

Similitude

Carpenter Street

Chosen Realm

Proving Ground

Stratagem

Harbinger

Doctor's Orders

Hatchery

Azati Prime

Damage

The Forgotten

E2

The Council

Countdown

Zero Hour

Season 4

Storm Front

Storm Front, Part II

Home

Borderland

Cold Station 12

The Augments

The Forge

Awakening

Kir'Shara

Daedalus

Observer Effect

Babel One

United

The Aenar

Affliction

Divergence

Bound

In a Mirror, Darkly

In a Mirror, Darkly, Part II

Demons

Terra Prime

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