After two months I've summoned the strength to review the next episode of Enterprise, but it was still almost too much. Berman and Braga present us with the aftermath of The Andorian Incident, and it's about as clever as plastic toilet paper. Archer and T'Pol are captured by a small terrorist faction and Tucker decides to let them die just to spite the Vulcans - well, not quite, but it's very, very close. Plus, the return of the Colin Macharie Andorian.

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More Klingons in Enterprise, the only people close to being more misrepresented than the Vulcans in this series. In this episode we learn that the Klingons are disgusting pigs who likely pick their noses and flick it at the instruments and probably wonder what a lavatory is for. On Starfleet side, we see that all those other crew members on board are apparently just there for ballast, as none of them are allowed to do their jobs no matter how stupid it gets.

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The Star Trek franchise hits a low, where we see the captain and the doctor conspire to wipe out an entire race of people based on nonsense. It doesn't matter how much you might love the padding disguised as character development, the fact is, our "heroes" decide to wipe out an entire race for pseudoscientific reasons, that your DNA shows the direction you're meant to evolve. Phlox is no different than advocates of eugenics in the twentieth century, who likewise employed twisted science to support their positions, that they're operating with the best of intentions as they go about their dark business. That this seems to be the only negative review on the internet just goes to show people are completely ignorant of evolution or have bought into the religion of the Prime Directive so much that they would murder ten million babies and call it moral.

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Enterprise is getting ready to celebrate Reed's birthday, so Archer talks to his extemely uptight British parents, then puts Hoshi in charge of finding out what his favorite food is. All this completely sucks the air out of what could have been a very intense and frightening story of mysterious aliens that threaten Enterprise, but we can't have actual suspense, can we? Bam bam bam!

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So, after spending the whole damn pilot on this temporal cold war thing, we are only now, nearly a dozen episodes later, getting the next story... by a different writer no less. So much for Berman and Baraga's grand vision. Future Guy acts like a moron, then sends Silik out to Enterprise, where he is confronted by a time traveling waiter. Plus, the power of ice cream.

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We find a cargo freighter transporting various goods and a team of interstellar football players, only to be confronted by Nausicaan pirates. Enterprise must intervene to make sure the helpless freighter doesn't hurt any pirates - yeah, it didn't make much more sense watching it either. At least Mayweather gets a chance to speak more than three lines to someone besides Hoshi or Reed, although his Shakespeare in the park bit is a little unnecessary. Also, we once again see the Berman-Braga mandate of taking anything remotely cool or terrifying and completely pussifying it.

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Well, apparently the buzz about being in space has worn off, because stupid things like comets and neutron stars bore Archer now, and he decides to go off and poke around on a pre-industrial planet in the hopes of scoring some tail. They find an evil shopkeeper who is running a massive mining operation out of the back of his antique shop, producing so much valuable ore that it takes three whole crates and a bald guy with a wheelbarrow to haul it away.

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Well, good news and bad news. The good news is that this is the first episode of Enterprise I'd actually say I liked. The bad is that even then, it's still pretty stupid. Enterprise finds a comet with a mineral in it so rare that it causes the stody Vulcan captain nearby to almost give a damn. Also, T'Pol has to solve a personal problem, Tucker explains how they turn their crap into boots, and Hoshi comes darn close to actually getting a chance to do something.

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Continuing our long string of episodes that suck, Berman and Braga give us The Andorian Incident. In this outing, we watch Archer get his stupid ass beaten again and again, but it's not all fun and games. The Andorians have mutated into bumpy foreheaded guys like most Trek aliens, so a hostage plot emerges and we get to see more of Vulcans acting like complete pricks for no reason. Plus, "sacred" relics, and proof Reed's the only person approaching competence.

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The latest in their unbroken streak of just awful episodes, Terra Nova manages to do the impressive feat of being stupid AND offensive. Long lost human colony become cave men, because that's never been done before. Watch as our noble white leader struts about these dark-skinned primitives and lectures of their "birthright," because "manifest destiny" would be too obvious. Plus, more Brannon Braga stupid-speak and Travis actually gets a line.

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We return to Enterprise to discover that nothing has changed; in fact, the show has gotten even worse. Aliens start accidentally breaking the ship, Tucker goes over, discovers holodecks, and then gets knocked up. You know what that means: hack pregnancy jokes from Berman and Braga! Plus, meet the dumbest engineer in Starfleet.

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Finishing up my month of Enterprise (this being the five year anniversary of the series launch, it seemed appropriate) with a look at Strange New World. Enterprise discovers a habitable planet, so instead of heeding advice and exploring it with instruments first, Archer figures the best way to do it is drop everyone at a random spot on the planet and wander around wearing ballcaps. Oh, then people get psychotic because of his stupidity.

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The second episode of Enterprise, and possibly the inspiration for Sealab 2021, given how nutty Archer becomes. Fight Or Flight is the story of how Archer needlessly endangers his crew while Hoshi comes to terms with the frightening situation of being alive.

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The second half of the pilot is almost endearing in its badness. Beefcake and cheesecake are on display for no good reason, Tucker introduces us to his default, dull surprise expression, Archer endangers the entire ship based on a metaphor, and we learn that two complete idiots are the only crew members who are smart enough not to get caught. Finally, this serious summed up in one phrase: Hull offline.

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Broken Bow is how this poor, poor show begins. Inside, we see an angry Klingon defeat Blue Man Group, only to be shot by Stephen King. Unfortunately, it goes downhill from there. Have you ever wondered how man truly ventured into the stars? This will make you wonder why that was ever allowed in the first place.

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