OEEG: Fight or Flight

Description: The episode opens with a close-up of Hoshi staring at a slug. You see, she took it from some alien planet, and now she's whining that she shouldn't have brought it along. Phlox is on hand and talks about saving it, but soon reveals he's only doing it to feed it to his bat, which is quite horrifying I'm sure. I'm surprised T'Pol doesn't come down here to lecture the bat. Before any more can be said on that Tucker comes in to provide his typical redneck local color, and cue title music.

We come back, and we find more annoying behavior masquerading as character development. Archer's convinced he hears a squeak, so we see him crawling around on the floor trying to find it. There are many characters from science fiction I could imagine doing that kind of thing: Zaphod Beeblebrox, Doc Brown, Louis Wu... none of whom I'd want as the captain of a starship. Archer is vastly entering into that same category, and what's worse is he has no other viable thing to fall back on; at least Zaphod is great at throwing parties. Anyway, since T'Pol is competent in her own way, she just watches the captain of Earth's first long-range exploration vessel scurry about on the floor. I can't imagine why the Vulcans thought humans weren't ready for this. She says that there's little information in the Vulcan star charts on where they're going. We're treated to some more of how humans and Vulcans are different which you know is going to never get old, ha-ha. Kill me.

Hoshi shows up and discovers the captain crouched on the floor... you can see she too is filled with confidence in their mad leader. Anyway, she says that she wants to switch quarters because the stars outside her window are moving in the wrong direction (much like Trek itself, I suppose) and keeping her up at night. Now we cut down to the armory and find Reed obsessing over the weapons system, which he'll do all this episode.

You know, before Enterprise came on the air, Evil Kneebler and I discussed the series concept in some detail, taking Trek cliches and filtering them through a great deal of satire. The result was a series called The Arr Chronicles, which essentially was the one sane person serving as first officer coming on board to find every other member of the crew was crazy. We thought it was a fun bit of parody. We honestly had no idea Braga and Berman were going to take that idea and run with it.

It turns out the torpedo's targeting systems are off by .02%, which could be a problem. Mayweather considers this fact, and then decides it's time to mention, "Hey, I've been in space." What happens next is, I'm finding it hard to explain. Archer literally jumps into the scene. Seriously, he looks like George Reeves in the Superman series hopping into shot. Again, this is the man who holds the lives of every person on board in his hand, and he acts like he's already had some kind of breakdown. He asks if the simulations are in error, and the system is actually working fine, and Reed says the only way to find out is to go out and blow shit up. So, Archer tells them we're going to do just that. Reed's so giddy it's all he can do not to start playing with his nipples right there in the armory. However, things go less than well. The first shot misses this big asteroid altogether, and the second skirts it and sends it flying back, nearly blowing up Enterprise in the process. Poor, dumb bastards... I pity everyone who's not a main character, stuck in this situation with their lives depending on these jackholes.

Down in the mess hall, Tucker and Phlox are eating together. You know, what is with this show and eating? This isn't even the only eating scene in this episode, there's yet another one later with the captain, T'Pol, and Tucker (and boy, am I looking forward to another one of those scenes). However, this scene serves an important purpose, as it allows Phlox to act like an alien and Tucker to act like Huckleberry Hound. Phlox says that on his planet people don't talk during meals since it's a waste of time. Surprising considering how they can't seem to shut up, although it does explain the gut Phlox has going. Phlox then describes his observation of humans, including how people smell after they exercise. He wonders aloud if, when observing two people he speculates are preparing to mate, if they'll let him watch. We're supposed to find this amusing since Phlox as an alien doesn't understand that mating is a private human thing, but considering that so much of the show is unrepentently sexual it just feels lame.

Back on the bridge, T'Pol finds a ship, and Enterprise decides to investigate. They attempt to hail. Now, remember that this is the first attempt by humans to make contact in deep space with another life form, an historic moment. When Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon, everything was planned out for what he would say for that big moment, and his words remain one of the most famous utterances known to mankind. You'd think Starfleet would've written up a standard opening greeting for them to use, or at least something for this specific moment to record it for posterity. For all we know they did, but regardless, Archer gives one of his speeches. As we've established, this is not his strong suit; he just kind of verbally meanders. Particularly good is him sending information on how to find Earth... yeah, there's a good idea. Archer's surprised at the lack of a reply; apparently he didn't consider the aliens might be over there snickering at him and going "Ahm Archa fwom da planet Earth der-hey!" He asks Hoshi about it, but she doesn't have an explanation, other than that the aliens are looking for their copy of To Serve Man. Closer analysis indicates they were fired upon; there's oxidation around the hull. Considering that this is space, and the ship itself has a nitrogen-methane atmosphere, that too is a hell of a magic trick.

Anyway, since there's no answer from there T'Pol suggests they continue their course, but Archer wants to find other ways to contact them. T'Pol gets really testy, so much so that if this were a movie I'd wonder if she was hiding something... instead it's poor writing. Archer has them look for another way inside, and they find one. "Diameter?" he asks, despite the fact that we clearly see it's a square. He decides that he, Reed, and Hoshi are going over there. Tucker wants to go along too, and he whines and whines at Archer to take him like a little kid. Archer says no, instead heading back to his quarters to make a log entry on how much T'Pol pisses him off. Then he feeds some cheese to his dog, and offers some more to Hoshi when she arrives. You know, we are fifteen minutes into this episode, and there's been nothing but wandering about here, with cheese and slugs and torpedoes that fail as an extension of Reed's manhood. When did Star Trek decide to change from "to boldly go" to "to boldly go out for a bite"?

Hoshi doesn't want to go over there; it turns out she's claustrophobic. On a spaceship. Even Archer recognizes how stupid that is, and he's already promoted his dog to Lieutenant Commander and declared that all crewmen must name their children Horatio. As they suit up Reed readies some rifles, but Archer chastizes them and says to only bring the pistols. Now, I understand he wants this mission to be the first contact he's always dreamed of, but isn't security the responsibility of the security chief? Why bring him if you're not going to let him do his job? Then again, I forgot that Reed has his own little psychosis when it comes to weaponry - upon arrival at the hatch on the ship Reed takes one look at the door and then offers to blow it open with explosives. However, since Archer's the super-clever captain, he opens it using the obvious levers.

So here's the dream team for humanity's first deep space contact with an alien race: Emperor Nero, a man who fantasizes about being sodomized by his own torpedoes, and a woman who is afraid of absolutely everything. It'd almost be better if we were subjugated by damn dirty apes.

Anyway, our intrepid heroes being to wander the ship and find what looks like blood (guess those rifles would've been a good idea, Captain Know-it-all). Amusingly, Archer says that the temperature is twenty below, and yet the blood isn't frozen. Apparently these aliens use Heet for blood. After a while they find some aliens, strung up with tubes draining fluids from their corpses into one of those fountain drink machines you see at the 7-11. Hoshi freaks, and again, if this were a movie, it would be time for her to run off and get killed, but it's not a movie, so this is apparently more character development. Incidentally, it was at this point in the episode where I wondered if it wouldn't have been better if Hoshi were male. There are two female main characters in this series: T'Pol, who wears skin-tight clothes and has cleavage you could hide a submarine in, and Hoshi, who is small, weak, frightened, and screams at the drop of a hat. I'm not an especially sensitive person by any means; "suck it up" is usually my motto, so I have the general opinion that if it reaches the point where I notice it, you've gone too far. Like Chakotay on Voyager, if even I think your portrayal of American Indians is so stereotypical as to be offensive, odds are you crossed the line some time ago.

They return to detox, and thankfully we are spared another scene of rubbing petroleum jelly on each other. Archer fills them in, there were 15 bodies strung up and being drained of fluid, prompting T'Pol to suggest that they leave, since they're dead. Archer uses precisely the same facts that T'Pol uses to reach the opposite conclusion; we shouldn't leave because they're dead, we should stay because they're dead. T'Pol points out how damn stupid it is, which pretty much guarantees that they're going to stay. Ah, but instead the captain orders them to go to warp and leave. Boy, things are bad when doing the sensible thing is so out of the norm it's a plot twist.

While this is going on, Phlox is with Hoshi. He tells the story of his first medical mission where he saw a pile of corpses. This is to make Hoshi feel better, but she still feels like a wiener for screaming at the sight of the dead bodies. Thus, Phlox sensitively suggests she leave Enterprise... what a guy. After a little while we are beaten about the head and shoulders with the fact that Hoshi is a lot like the dying slug far away from its environment. It won't be the last either. Incidentally, one unintentionally amusing bit (and of course, there's no way they could have known this): when Phlox is speaking in his serious voice over the communicator, he sounds exactly like HK-47 from Knights Of The Old Republic.

Ah, and here's the Tucker/Archer/T'Pol dinner scene we've all been so looking forward to. It's quiet for the moment, because the captain is too busy sulking to go on about the new screen door he devised for their submarine. *sigh* Long uncomfortable dinner scenes, that's why I watch Enterprise. Oh no wait, long uncomfortable dinner scenes are why I avoid going to my in-law's house; I watch Enterprise to see quality science fiction... and even as I type those words I see my mission is prematurely doomed to failure... much like Enterprise itself, I suppose. T'Pol suggests that there's a stellar nursery nearby that they could explore, and that it would aid in reducing the crew's tensions. Since this not only shows that she has considered Archer's feelings on exploration into her thinking and is showing concern for the morale on this ship, it understandable why Archer would lash out at her. It's understandable, because, you see, he's a dick, and while he was always front-runner for this episode, it's this scene in particular that shows that there's no other competition for annoying character of the episode.

He points out that if they were Vulcan T'Pol would have acted differently to see them hanging like slaughtered animals. Okay, now, remember Broken Bow... who was the vegetarian and who ate the meat? It's a very poor analogy to make to a militant vegetarian. Meanwhile, Tucker's just sitting there in silence, hoping that they'll forget he's in the room, but faster than Archer can ask "If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman?" he whirls on Tucker and demands to know if he would have tucked tail and run if they were humans over there. Since Tucker was denied the chance to go on the ship by the captain, why is he getting chewed out? There's nothing he could have done about it. Time to hit him with a hypospray, the man's gone batshit f*cking loco now. When Tucker points out that it was the captain himself who thought that whoever's responsible would come back, Archer retorts "So we should avoid conflict at any cost?" Careful of the slippery slope there, you wouldn't want to get hurt. How about assessing the cost-benefit of risking the entire crew for the sake of a pile of cadavers, doesn't that fit in somewhere in the whole leadership thing? This is not the act of a man nobly standing up for what he believes in, it's the act of someone likely to begin pistol-whipping the helmsman and announce that from now on he is to be addressed as "duchess."

The scene goes on, and it's again T'Pol's turn to get verbally flogged, but the problem is that it's a really hard thing to do to someone who follows strict logic. "You've got an answer for everything," Archer finally says with obvious contempt. Well, yeah, it comes from having a balanced psyche, you bipolar asshole. He stands up and acts all noble and shit, then orders them to turn around and go back to the ship... that way we can get some pyrotechnics in (remember, there's a weapons sub-plot here). Phlox, Tucker, and Hoshi are sent back over to learn about the aliens, Phlox to study the bodies, Tucker to monkey with the systems, and Hoshi just because Archer's likes making her life a living hell. Reed is summoned to the meeting too so that Archer can tell him he's not going, what a guy.

While Archer and Phlox are cutting the bodies down, Tucker gets the computer running, which sounds just like the Hungarian from The Usual Suspects. "The grammar sounds bimodal," Hoshi comments to Tucker, no doubt prompting him to wonder about a language where you do it with dudes and chicks. Incidentally, right after this, Hoshi says "ship," but in such an odd way at such an odd moment, it sounds like she just screwed up and said "shit." We had to stop and rewind, we were laughing so hard, thus I'm awarding it the unique prize of unintentional best moment. Anyway, down in the hall of the dead, we discover that the aliens are being drained of a fluid that's used for medicine, including aphrodisiacs. It turns out this fluid is similar to human lymchatic fluid (gee, wonder where this is going?). Back with Tucker and Hoshi, she says she's going to go home after the mission. Oh, and Archer shoots the pumps that are collecting the fluid; that'll teach 'em!

Well guess what, the aliens responsible for this mess have returned. Maybe Archer will give them directions back to Earth too. Reed works to get the ship's defenses ready, but it won't be ready in time. To make matters worse, the aliens' shields make scanning impossible to see what kind of weapons they've got, and they're not answering hails. Then they start shooting to disable, which leaves Enterprise trapped. Their weapons have no effect on the enemy ship, which then scans them to learn just what useful chemicals their bodies can be drained of. In other words, things are about as bad as they can possibly get, but at least they have the comfort of knowing that the aliens wouldn't be able to suck the chemicals from those corpses they knew nothing about; no, they can only use the eighty-plus people on board instead. Nice job, duchess.

Another vessel shows up, and it turns out they're of the same species as the corpses. They hail them, and Hoshi tries to communicate. The bad guys start pulling them in with a tractor beam. Hoshi and the alien communicate, but it's gibberish and he doesn't believe them. Archer says to tell him to scan the pumps, so that they'll see it isn't their technology... not a bad plan, if he hadn't, you know, blown up the pumps already. Finally Hoshi speaks without the computer, which convinces him for some unknown reason and he blows up the bad guys, but not before Reed gets to fire one torpedo to complete his sub-plot. And, of course, the slug is brought to another planet and *oof*. Sorry about that, I bumped into the point because it was too transparent.

Rating: 3

Fun Fact: One in forty-three thousand planets supports intelligent life.

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