Description: The episode opens with the inside of a Vulcan temple. Because it's a monastic temple, it simply must have the usual flute music associated with generic religions in Star Trek. Well, the door gets kicked in and we see the sacred candles blown out, because that shot hasn't been done to death, and four Andorians walk in wearing dark suits and carrying weapons. The lead one pulls a glove off, to let us know he's the bad guy. The only people who stroll up and pull off a leather glove are Nazis and state troopers.

Normally I'd say that short teasers are effective, and this could have been if not for two reasons: Rick Berman and Brannon Braga. Okay, yeah, I seem to be harping on this, but every - single - episode is by them, and none of them are any good. That they can effectively foul up the short teaser shows it. I'll get to the full reason in a minute.

We come back from the credits and we have Archer and Tucker talking about how totally frickin' awesome they are because they found one thing out here that the Vulcans didn't. Gee whiz, don't get a cramp jerking each other off there. To follow this up, they call T'Pol in and ask her about this outpost called P'Jem. It turns out that this is our temple, "a remote sancutary for Kolinahr and peaceful meditation." Kolinahr? That some kind of enema? "The Vulcan purging of-" No, please, no. "-emotion." Whew.

Because it wouldn't be a Berman and Braga script without manufacturing needless conflict, we're told that humans smell bad to Vulcans. Well, funny that this is just being brought up now. We learned in Broken Bow that Vulcan females have a heightened sense of smell, but T'Pol was more concerned about the dog. But why let a little thing like making sense get in the way of a couple of really stupid and pointless jokes? One time my dentist had to drill two of my teeth without anaesthetic; times like these, Enterprise surpasses that experience... at least the drilling didn't last forty-five minutes. This, by the way, is part of the shit rolling downhill philosophy of Trek: to a more advanced species, those less advanced smell worse. We had Tucker griping about the Klingons in Unexpected and now Vulcans about humans here. Real clever.

Anyway, Tucker and Archer want to go visit this temple, so T'Pol says she'll try to contact them and see if it can be arranged. I'm not sure why they're so anxious to see this given how much they both despise the Vulcans, unless it's just so they can make them miserable. "Remember Trip: don't shower until after we get back from there, and eat lots of garlic and onions." And speaking of eating, well, this is Enterprise, so we cut to an eating scene. I think that's all they do on this ship is eat and break things. T'Pol and Phlox discuss the situation, and it turns out there could be awkwardness if she shows up with a human crew. What logical reason is there for that? Oh, none, it's just another way of saying that humans and Vulcans don't get along, like that hasn't been pounded into our skulls enough yet.

So, T'Pol leads Tucker and Archer down to the shuttle bay and starts explaining the proper greeting. It's long, but most of it is not different to what you tell children when taking them someplace: don't disturb people and don't touch. Archer and Tucker look like this is needlessly long, and maybe it would for others, but remember we have someone dumb enough to get himself knocked up just two episodes ago, so it seems fully justified to me. After it's done, Archer comments, "and I thought Starfleet training was tough." So, don't touch ancient fragile artifacts and don't disturb people is tough training? The more I learn about Archer, the more convinced I am he really was a crazy bum. "Change your clothes regularly, don't eat your own boogers, it's like we're in Nazi Germany here!"

They show up at the temple that is three thousand years old. So, wait, the Vulcans have had three thousand years of interstellar travel and during that time have accomplished jack squat? Or maybe, like everything else this episode, Berman and Braga are pulling something out of thin air and dropping it at the end of the episode. Yeah, I think we all know which one's more likely. So they ring the bell to get in to see the great Oz, but no one answers, so they just let themselves in. Inside there's one monk standing there; he says it's the time for the colonoscopy, so they'll have to leave. He goes to get the sacred bullshit stone, and while he's gone, T'Pol notices that one of the icons is knocked aside, and that all the monks are missing. Tucker, being dumber than a bag of hammers, responds with sarcasm at the idea that the group of people he was mocking just two minutes ago for being anal retentive are in trouble because of a mess in their temple. At least be consistent in your racism, Trip.

Anyway, Archer and Tucker finally decide something might be up, and start looking around, until eventually they spot the reflection of an Andorian in a sacred chamber pot, at which point they ambush him and the jig is up.

And this, by the way, is the point where the teaser and the episode collide like a couple of tractor trailers on the interstate. There were two ways they could have done this to be effective. First, they have the teaser they did, and then, when our heroes show up, we see the hidden Andorians around the room while they're oblivious to them. This creates something you might have read about called "suspense" as we wonder whether or not our heroes will be shot down by the sinister invaders. The other is that we don't see the break-in for the teaser, and instead the episode plays out similarly, but rather than a reflection of a face, just a sign of someone hiding, and only after the attack are we finally given a full look at the Andorian, the way it would be for Archer. What they chose to do instead is set it up like a mystery for which we already know the events behind it. Sure that can work... if the majority of the episode is about how our hero solves the mystery, but this covers the first six minutes of the episode. More brilliance from the franchise that brought you off-screen juggling.

Now's probably a good time to talk about the Andorians too. The Andorians have actually made only two on screen appearances since Star Trek: The Motion Picture: The Captain's Holiday and The Offspring. In those cases, they decided the Andorians should have big swollen heads with their antennae pointing straight up out of the top like the old rabbit ear TV antennaes for picking up UHF stations (when Encounter At Farpoint first came on, I had to pick it up using one of these with foil and soda cans dangling from it... then I watched the episode and realized it wasn't worth the effort). I'm glad we didn't go that route. Still, I don't know why Berman and Braga can't have an alien without a bumpy forehead. Guys, their skin is blue, their hair is white, and they have antennae - we don't need a bumpy forehead to know they're aliens! In fact, this actually did the exact opposite. When I saw one of them, I didn't think, "Wow, that guy's an alien!" I thought "Hey, that looks like Colin Mochrie from Whose Line Is It, Anyway?!"

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So Archer and Tucker decide to destroy a Vulcan wooden divider to tackle the Andorian hiding behind it. Even with two on one and the element of surprise they're not doing very well, and when his buddies show up, well, that's it for the attempted subversion, and we thus begin the standard issue hostage plot. They all get brought back and thrown into a room with the other monks. They're all male because they're monks, thus only someone with actual imagination would have women in there. Anyway, Shran, the head Andorian, starts giving the third degree. He starts calling the humans "pink skins," something that comes straight out of the B&B Guide To Trying To Sound Clever And Failing Miserably playbook. Hey, Shran, if you haven't noticed, everyone who's not Andorian in this room has pink skin. Looks like Shran's racism is as idiotic as Tucker's.

Well, Archer quickly gets a rifle butt in the gut, and if you've been waiting for payback for all the dickheaded things he's done so far, well heh heh, it won't be the last time. Archer gets his ass kicked this episode, and I like to think of it as a little thing called "karma." Anyway, after this the Andorians leave, save the one that looks like Colin Mochrie, who says to T'Pol, "I'm going to enjoy having you... as a prisoner." Hey, waaaaiiit a minute here. Are the Andorians the bad guys? Hey, you know what, I think they just might be. Wow, good thing a line about implied rape was thrown in there, because otherwise I would have completely not gotten that.

Incidentally, after the Andorians finally leave, we see Archer stumble forward and collapse on the floor, moaning and groaning for just long enough to stop being sympathetic and just start being funny. I imagine that if I took a rifle butt to the gut, I might react the same way, but then, I create webpages, I'm not the commanding officer of Earth's most powerful warship. All this image does is make me think that Kirk would probably have just offered one grimace and that would have been the end of it.

So, with that Emmy material out of the way, we get to the exposition: these are Andorians, aliens from a system neighboring Vulcan who are very suspicious. To alleviate tensions, a treaty was signed between them and the Vulcans, but the Andorians think they might be breaking it by spying from this temple. This is the third time the Andorians have shown up and broken shit, but they always left before because they found nothing. The Vulcans aren't happy, because now Archer's gone and made the Andorians think something definitely must be going on. Wow, Enterprise showing up and making things worse... I'm sure this is definitely way out of the norm.

Up on the ship, we see why Reed is probably the only qualified member of the crew, as he decided on his own initiative to scan the area and discovered the Andorian ship. He even laments how damn stupid it was that no one thought to do it before heading down. Everyone tells him he's completely overreacting, that everything's just fine with the team not bothering to check the area and not thinking to check in. We then cut to Archer getting his ass kicked by the Andorians. The communicator goes off -Reed has decided to check in with the away team since things are suspicious, another reason why he'd make a better commander- and Shran answers. He does the standard hostage plot villain bit: don't try anything or they all die. Shran then smashes the communicators, upsetting Archer because not only can't they communicate, but he still had a number of minutes to use on those phones. Back on Enterprise, Reed orders another shuttlepod to be readied despite the Andorians threat - "I don't take orders from a comm voice." I don't want to belabor the point, but that's three times in the span of two minutes where we've seen Reed being competent, and nobody else so far has done squat.

And to remind us that while Reed is competent, our creators aren't, it's back to the Vulcans, where they can talk about how bad humans smell for a while. Heh heh, wow, really clever that; I award it a seven on the Neelix Scale of Unfunny. Archer gets thrown back in the room and explains that the Andorians discussed killing some hostages, but the Vulcans insist there's nothing they can do. However, when Archer says Reed's going to be coming eventually because he actually has working thumbs, the Vulcans reveal that they have an old comm unit that they might be able to use, located in the hidden catacombs that can only be reached by twisting a statue and revealing the passage behind the sliding wall. Just to complete this silliness, they have burning torches to see down there, because a catacomb cannot be entered without them or else it totally ruins everything. And before anyone writes in to say "But they don't use technology!", don't bother. They created a rather complex machine to have this fancy shmancy sliding wall thing, so what's wrong with a propane lamp? It would work much better, it's still low tech, and what's more, there's no risk of accidentally lighting anything on fire. But, of course, it wouldn't look suitable, right, and we know from Voyager that our creators will put people in near or even total darkness for absolutely no reason, so there's no real surprise we'll have the same thing here.

Anyway, we go through the catacombs for a while, because the production budget was spent and we need to get our money's worth, by God! Tucker spots a side passage that has an opening of three openings, positioned so that it looks like a face, and since we had Archer stare at a face up in the main room when he was being interrogated, well, even the dumbest members of the audience know what that means. They also come across an entrance to the place where their most sacred relics are kept, but he's not allowed down there. They get the radio and head back up in time before the Andorians check up on them. With them gone, it's now time for the strategic briefing. Archer says that, since the Andorians don't have transporter technology, they wouldn't be ready for an assault team, but T'Pol says the sound alone would alert them, and the team shot before they even finished being put back together. So Archer suggests beaming them into this room, but of course the Andorians would detect something amiss. Right, but they totally won't notice a communication signal. Archer, in a fit of pique, asks if she has any better suggestions. T'Pol, of course, does: "We could transport stun grenades to specific locations, [and] detonate them." This is a brilliant plan, actually, and would definitely have worked, if T'Pol's plan hadn't been for the crisis in the last episode. Since that was last week, we obviously can't try it here, so she has no plan. My God, these people are stupid.

Instead of remembering what happened a week ago, our writers decide to remind us Vulcans hate the smell of humans, because T'Pol won't climb under the blanket with Archer until he insists. Now that they're all snuggled up to each other, they decide to debate the situation. T'Pol thinks an armed assault is the worst idea, that they should just let the Andorians continue with their search and wait for them to leave. Archer has a problem with this, not the least of which is the fact that this plan involves him continuing to get his ass kicked. So, Tucker sends up a message to Enterprise to sit tight and wait before sending down an assault team. Reed agrees, but is all ready, as he's been studying all the information the Vulcans have on Andorians since their last communication. Wow, competence displayed, and once again by Reed, who's not even allowed to sit at the captain's table. However, I do have to dock him one demerit point, because Tucker tells him why the Andorians are here: to look for this hidden spy equipment. Now, Tucker hates and distrusts the Vulcans, Archer hates and distrusts the Vulcans, and most of the crew either hate or distrust the Vulcans, if not both. So it makes perfect sense that no one is going to think at all about maybe scanning for this spy equipment, because naturally if you hate and distrust someone, you always take them at their word. Enterprise: where no one is consistent in their racism.

Well, Archer's still working on a plan and they've mapped out the catacombs in little domino-like circles, but they're not getting anywhere. Then Tucker brings up the lights and Archer realizes the friggin' obvious about the statue. Of course, you'd have to confirm it. Now, there's two ways to do this: the obvious way, and the f**king stupid way. Do I have to even tell you which way they pick? Yes, rather than going into the little side passage and looking through the holes, Archer gets himself dragged back to the main room for another round of serious ass-kicking, because this way he can throw a little icon through one of the holes for Tucker to find on the other side. Tucker, apparently, couldn't go six feet further and just look through the holes. Still, you have to enjoy this scene, because it's so very rare that someone chooses to do something monumentally stupid on this show and gets an ass-kicking for doing it.

So, knowing the situation, Reed and his rescue team head to the transporter pad, lamenting that they have to set weapons on stun. Shucks, these Andorians need a-killin'! Hoshi looks apprehensively at the transporter controls, and Reed responds with slight irritation at her. The way they both were acting, I thought she was the one getting beamed down. The last guy they used this thing on wound up with his skin filled with rocks and crap, and no one seems particularly nervous expect the person operating the controls. It's so ridiculous that in two hundred years there will be a transporter officer after all the bugs have been worked out, but when the technology has just been approved for people they'll let anyone use the controls. I mean, Hoshi handles languages and communications - did they deliberately seek out the most underqualified person? "Attention all decks, attention all decks, the transporter needs manning. We need someone who specializes in art history or is an experienced street musician in the transporter room on the double."

Well, naturally the Andorians pick up the transporter even though they completely missed the communicator earlier. They rush in but the team's already hiding in the catacombs, so Shran leaves Colin Mochrie to watch over the prisoners. Since Colin's been in charge of making sexist remarks at T'Pol and hitting Archer with a rifle butt, you know this means he's going to wind up being on the receiving end of an ass-kicking in the ten remaining minutes of the episode.

So, Reed heads through the catacombs and sets up charges behind the head statue. The Andorians have detected their presence, but don't know where they are. Finally we get our explosion for the episode and Shran gets an assful of statue. This, of course, is the cue for Colin's ass-kicking, and Tucker and Archer jump him. However, just like before, these two are the most pathetic wrestlers I've ever seen - it takes the nick of time arrival of Reed to stop Archer from getting shot. Shran and another Andorian managed to escape into the catacombs, and the head Vulcan priest criticizes Archer's violent actions that have led to this. Yeah, and where were you guys during the fight? It was visually absurd as they all just stood around doing nothing. What happened to the Vulcan Neck Pinch (as the writer of this episode officially named it) which would have ended the violent confrontation in seconds? They're so busy making up new bullshit for the Vulcans they're forgetting probably the third most commonly associated thing with Vulcans (pointy ears, logic without emotion, and the pinch).

As a brief interlude, I should name the annoying character of the episode. In this case it's a tie between Colin the Andorian and Vulcan Bitch, the guy who showed Tucker where the communication equipment is. Colin is obvious, as his tired innuendoes were just sickening. Vulcan Bitch (not to be confused with the head Vulcan priest) because of his patronizing attitude, his femie voice, and the only one so useless he's probably the only one less qualified than Hoshi to work the transporter. They all get smacked around at one point, but not being main characters means they don't get best moment.

Anyway, Archer and his crew -including T'Pol- and Vulcan Bitch head down to stop the last two Andorians, but they're in the super-duper sacred place. Vulcan Bitch tries to stop him from going down, but Archer insists, and since he's forgotten he knows how to knock him out with one gesture it leads to a firefight around their sacred relics. I was curious to see these sacred relics, considering that this isn't a religious order, but one of meditation. As it turns out, this place looks like a really bad pawn shop. The sacred relics are crap and aren't being taken care of at all. What the hell kind of accusation of blasphemy is it when the thing can be covered in dirt, grime, and cobwebs, but can't be looked at?

And then, just when you thought they'd run out of ridiculous things, they steal a bit right out of The Wizard of Oz. Part of a curtain is blasted aside during the fight, revealing a hidden entrance. Archer opens it, revealing a massive chamber housing the Vulcan spy array they were looking for. As you can imagine this is a serious breach of security, so naturally none of the Vulcans walking around down there does a damn thing. T'Pol starts taking pictures on Archer's orders, and Vulcan Bitch finally tries to stop them, but Archer manages to finally disable somebody and knocks him out. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen - sure he can't stop commandos even with strength of numbers, but when it comes to beating up wizened pacifist monks, there's no one better.

Anyway, Archer decides without even a moment's thoughts to give the information to the Andorians. Nice move, you've certainly given the Vulcans reason to keep you in the loop with their secrets from now on. Not only that, but you've betrayed a military secret of your closest ally and possibly given their enemy cause to begin an interstellar war. But hey, you mulled that over for a good half second there and having taken a couple dozen blows to the head are obviously the most qualified to make a decision to affect billions of lives. And, of course, Starfleet doesn't chew his ass out or remove him for doing this without bothering to consult with them, because Archer has done The Right Thing, and thus the universe will be fine.

Rating: 4

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"He's wasting our time." Andorian, and mine too