OEEG: Shadows of P'Jem

"We've spent between thirty-five and forty billion dollars on space...but if nothing else had come from that program except the knowledge that we get from our satellite photography, it would be worth ten times to us what the whole program has cost. Because tonight I know how many missiles the enemy has and...our guesses were way off. And we were doing things that we didn't need to do. We were building things that we didn't need to build. We were harboring fears that we didn't need to have." - President Lyndon B. Johnson, 1967

Description:

Like it or not, long-range espionage is very useful in preserving the safety of a nation. If you know what the enemy is doing, you can have an appropriate response ready - appropriate being the key part of that. Not to be unready, nor to resort to overkill, but appropriate. If you know your enemy is building a fleet of warships, you can prepare whatever appropriate counter that is required to defend yourself - but if you don't know, then you run the risk of being caught unprepared for an attack or imagining threats that aren't even there. The former can lead to the loss of lives and freedom, the latter can lead to misunderstandings and international tension. While there is a Hollywood view of life with rainbows and talking trees and whatnot, and that spying on anyone is evil, this ignores just how much the end of the Cold War depended upon knowing what the other side was up to. It is, indeed, still relevant today, as the US invasion of Iraq's most common criticism was that it was under false pretenses, because the weapons of mass destruction weren't found (I am referring to this simply as a common criticism, please don't fill my inbox up wanting to talk about Iraq because you feel some need to correct me). In this case, lack of knowledge led to a war. You may hate it, but so long as there are forces in opposition, knowing what the other side is doing is a necessity to helping maintain personal security and preserving peace.

However, for some reason Starfleet doesn't think that way. As this episode opens, Ambassador Soval is very unhappy that P'Jem was destroyed, but Admiral Forrest seems to think the Vulcans had it coming for setting up a spy array there. As expected, the scene tries to make the Vulcans look like the bad guys for terminating joint fleet actions with Earth, but honestly, that's a sign of restraint in my opinion. Starfleet gave military secrets to the Vulcans' enemy, leading to the destruction of a facility and a historical site, and the officer responsible hasn't even been punished, and all they're doing is momentarily cutting off joint ventures. They're darn lucky it didn't lead to the Vulcans cutting themselves off from Earth altogether.

Anyway, this episode marks the unfortunate return of Berman and Braga as the writers of Enterprise, and honestly, it shows. It's sad that what was already bad now manages -thanks to the producers- move into the realm of worse. Well, it has. First, I'm impressed that they managed to throw away the old rule: show, don't tell, by not showing us the Andorians destroying P'Jem, but having someone else talking about it afterwards. Second, what's been going on, that either the Andorians are just finally getting around to destroying it, or that the Vulcans just finally got around to complaining about it? This episode is annoyingly stupid, and it's only just started.

Incidentally, normally I'd applaud an attempt at not only story-to-story continuity but also the ramifications of choices being played out. Unfortunately, Shadows of P'Jem doesn't take this opportunity to reflect on Archer's spur of the moment decision and how he might have made a mistake - there is no doubt that the story is structured so that he was clearly, one hundred percent, in the right, and that the Vulcans are to blame for all of this. Even having Archer stubbornly saying it was the right thing doesn't preclude him from saying it wasn't the smart thing, to maybe make some lip-service to being in a situation he didn't expect. Having Archer mention P'Jem and the Valakians and say something along the lives of "I came out here to see and touch new things, not to make decisions that involve interstellar war and the survival of entire species," would have made him more human. Having him at least admit that he's been forced into situations where he has to make decisions he's not sure he's qualified to make would have shown some sign that Archer actually reflects on his choices. Instead what we see is that Archer is completely unchanged in his God-like view of himself - he was in the right, and that will never change.

So we have Tucker and Archer, and boy, it's been so long I forgot how much I loathe these two. Tucker and Archer, I mean, though I suppose it applies equally well to Berman and Braga; there's plenty of loathing to go around. Archer's found a planet named Coridan the Vulcans are in trade with, and wants to go visit, but is tricking Tucker into thinking he can't come. Tucker finally figures it, though. "You're just too easy a target," Archer says, and truer words were probably never spoken. After all, no matter how many times the crew pulls it Tucker falls for the spot on your shirt/up into your face bit.

Well, this bit of insight into Tucker's psyche complete, we have Archer getting hailed by Forrest. Archer, to show that his concussion has either caused permanent brain damage or was always that stupid, sides with the Andorians on this... in fact, even in the face of what has happened, he's still clearly more upset with the Vulcans than the people who repeatedly beat the living shit out of him. Damn, now that's an impressive bit of hatred. Forrest finally has to ask him to stop trying to cause interstellar war, and Archer finally agrees. He has to also explain the fact that T'Pol's being reassigned to her, and he's not happy about it. You also have a nice big flag that B&B are back, because Archer has to comment on the Vulcans doing something that, in his opinion, is a sign of emotion. Still, it does take a very brave -if foolish- writer to not only have someone act out of character, but also to continually point out that you're doing it. In this case, it's again a sign of Archer being a dick. "The High Command is looking for a scapegoat, someone to blame. They can't punish me so they're taking it out on my science officer. Sounds like an emotional reaction, if you ask me." No, sounds like you're looking for a reason to act like a whiny bitch, as usual. "Stupid old Vulcans, I go and give away one key hidden fortification and cause them to lose it, provoke an interstellar incident, and cause the destruction of a shrine that's thousands of years old, and they take away my science officer! This sucks, it's the man holding me back. I'm gonna go listen to my Nickelback albums, they're rebels like me!"

So Archer decides he and T'Pol will go down to the planet alone, and it takes a while to convince Tucker that this isn't another attempt to trick him. Archer needs time with her alone because... I have no idea. Unless he's hoping time alone together will drive her to throw off her inhibitions, this pretty much is here solely because the script requires it. And just to fill things out, we get a Phlox-T'Pol dinner scene (because the one with Archer and Tucker wasn't enough, right?) in which he says that T'Pol lasted longer on a human ship than anyone else, and that it's a sign of how well she can adapt. They found humans too chaotic and unpredictible, he says... I guess that means Archer's worked with some other Vulcans then.

To prove how annoying he can be, in the next scene as they descend he asks what she knows about them, then snaps at her because he doesn't like her answer. What a friendly guy. Well, soon some alien craft start surrounding them, and despite their best efforts the two are captured and tied up in a little shack with bags on their heads. Archer babbles on and on about Houdini for a while as he tries to get free, until Traeg comes in. He's nice enough to provide the exposition: that they're resistance fighters against the current government that is supported by the Vulcans. In one of the many instances of something happening for absolutely no reason, Traeg asks what the name of a phase pistol is, going so far as threatening to use it unless Archer tells him. That bit of intelligence done he tosses it to one of his cohorts - what a brilliant scene. Archer could have called it a penis-umbrella and it wouldn't change anything as far as the episode goes (the only possible reason for him to just be satisfied with the name -that he would demand more of them from Enterprise- is negated because, surprise surprise, he doesn't call them by name). He interrogates them a little, and Archer decides to antagonize him until he gets punched in the face for his trouble. T'Pol finally says that interrogating Archer is a waste, because he's just her ship's steward. The alien quickly buys it, because the way Archer's acting, "captain of the Starfleet Flagship" is the last thing you'd expect.

So on Enterprise, Tucker and Reed have switched into rescue mode after the chancellor informs them that these terrorists either do this all the time or never do this, depending on the point in the conversation. Either Tucker is really unobservant to notice this or it's just bad writing... well, that's not really fair. It could be both, after all. So they start looking around for human and Vulcan biosigns and the shuttle, hoping they can find them before things get even more complicated and they'll have no hope of figuring it out.

Meanwhile, Archer and T'Pol are stuck in the "we're trapped together and must bond" subplot. As they're trying to get loose, Archer figures now is the best time to discuss what happened at P'Jem, the transfer, and how much he just hates the Vulcans in general. I particularly like how he blames them for taking away the flight of his engine from his father because they didn't help him finish it. Hmm, so inaction in Archer's mind is the same as outright interference, and yet, he has no problem in interfering in the plight of the Valakians, either by giving them a cure or the means to seek out those who have it. What - a - dick. What more can you say about a man who's more cheesed off that his daddy couldn't see his engine work than the annihilation of an entire race? "Oh yeah, your people are dying, what about my problems?!" Well with all his acting like a jerk and all that they wind up failing in their escape; serves him right. This attempt, incidentally, involves the kind of physical comedy you find in your average sitcom; seriously, I'm almost certain I saw this exact scene played out in an episode of 227. As if the show wasn't misogynistic enough by having it's only female characters be a terrified little girl or a model in a skin-tight outfit, they have to fall over, with Archer obviously just burying his face right into her boobs. This isn't even subtle, it goes on for around ten seconds of nothing but Archer enjoying a faceful of Vulcan sweaterpups. Every once in a while, Trek shows just how horny Brannon Braga is.

And to remind us that everything the Vulcans do is evil, Reed finds a slum area outside the capital overflowing with people, thus allowing us to Understand Their Plight. Whatever. So we get back to the rescue plot and Reed thinks he's found the shuttlepod, but before they can agree on what to do about it they get hailed by the terrorists who want forty penis-umbrellas. Enterprise doesn't have that many, so Reed keeps pushing for a rescue mission. Meanwhile a Vulcan ship shows up, the Ni'var, captained by former US President Logan. He's a Vulcan, therefore in this script he is required to be a dick. He takes control of the hostage situation and plans to mount a rescue rather than negotiate. Tucker gets worked up over this, and when the Vulcans refuse to negotiate with terrorists, he asks with disgust "Even if it saves lives?" Even leaving aside the arguments around the issue of whether it is a mistake to ever negotiate with terrorists, he and Reed were just discussing that negotiation would be a problem because there are no guarantees the terrorists will follow through on the agreement, and what's the icing on the cake is that, he not only doesn't tell the Vulcans what they know when they ask (which would only increase the chance of their successfully saving the captain), but tells Reed to prep the shuttlepod for their rescue mission. In other words, Reed's not pissed the Vulcans aren't negotiating, he's pissed because the Vulcans are f*cking Vulcans, filthy pointy-eared green-blooded emotionless Vulcans! You get the feeling he hopes Archer will die just to spite them. Needless to say, Tucker wins annoying character by a wide margin.

At this time Archer and T'Pol are tied up even tighter than before, and when the food is delivered they've got to lay down and kind of scoop it up. Archer finds a big blinking thing in his, but rather than being the secret prize inside it turns out to be a communicator. I realize a huge blinking red thing is likely to be spotted, but then, you need to make sure it's something even Archer figures out shouldn't be eaten. We soon get the pieces together as Tucker and Reed have arrived in the slum and are ambushed seconds later - lucky thing you decided to not give the Vulcans any info, huh Cooter? (By the way, we also get a brief interlude of Hoshi talking with Sopek, that Vulcan captain, where we get the cliche "your transmission is breaking up" bit. God, this show is like watching a really bad and obnoxious ventriloquist sometimes.) Turns out that the ones they're caught by are actually Shran and Colin the nasty Andorian. The shuttle is a trap by one of the factions, but another faction is alligned with the Andorians, and they'll help try to rescue Archer and T'Pol. The reason for this is obvious: to pay Archer back for what he did. However, they once again take things to the ludicrous extreme, as Shran is doing so because he can't sleep at night being in Archer's debt. That's literal - he can't sleep. Someone shut that vulgar little puppet up!

Anyway, Archer gets a message from Tucker on the blinking plot radio that someone on the inside will untie them, and he should then break for the gate. With that the rescue plan goes ahead, with Tucker providing the distraction as only Tucker can: with a bottle of liquor. He might as well just introduce himself: "I am Tucker, and this is me distracting you. Have you ever eaten toadstools? I once ate a handful and swore my dead cousin was crawling out of the swamp at me with a knife in his teeth - turned out it was just my own leg."

However, during the rescue operation they're spotted and shooting starts. The Vulcans show up too, and we get the standard Trek tactic of using things like wooden crates and barrels as cover, because guns have now become so weak that they do less damage than a sledgehammer. Still, they came better prepared than Shran did, and things are soon mopped up, and Shran and Sopek get around to arguing with each other. However, Traeg the terrorist, in yet another cliche moment, has arisen long enough to shoot at Sopek, and thus T'Pol has to take the bullet for him. Dear God, when will that puppet shut up?!

So we get up to Sickbay and Phlox reports that "her injuries are quite severe." After being shot in the kidney? Get out. Anyway, there's the expected scene, during which Sopek and Archer discuss how this Act Of Sheer Bravery should undo the loss of a strategically invaluable facility and a millennia-old shrine, and of course it will. Oh, and we get more of T'Pol pretending to want to go but not really before the final credits and I don't care so long as this thing will end! End!!! Now!!!

Thank God.

Rating: 2

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