MST3K: The Side Hackers

Episode Rating: 2 stars

Plot: The dopey sport of sidehacking is put on display. For any joy you might have left, the reprehensible JC spends the rest of the movie killing people until Rommel kicks his butt.... and then JC kills him too.

Opening: Joel is at his wit's end and says he doesn't want to hear another peep. Crow and Servo: Peep!

Invention exchange: Joel's Slinky-pet. Forrester cuts himself in half, then introduces the film. "It's just bad... it's a good kind of bad. Well, it's good for us, bad for you Joel!"

Host segment 1: Song about Sidehacking

Host segment 2: Color commentary of the sidehacking. "What do all these sports have in common that sidehacking does not?" "Uh, a rudimentary interest factor?" "A sense of fair play?" "A small measure of self-esteem?"

Host segment 3: Emulating Rommel. JC visits and pleads at them. Joel: "For being marooned on a satellite is sure is getting busy around here."

End: Everyone sings "Love Pads the Film." Frank, moved by the music, nearly brings them down. A letter is read, and Frank says that he will push the button.

Stinger: None

Music: From Segment 1

Sidehackin' is the thing to do
And it doesn't hurt to have a low I.Q.
Take your life and like and a little luck
Big-bang prize is twenty-five bucks.
Sidehack'll quench your danger thirst
the stupid ones always seem to come in first, yeah!

Sidehackin' is one big bash
The favorite sport of cheap white trash
When you're on your Sidehack make sure you don't slip
You'll end up with five metal pins in your hip
Lean way back till you'll scrape your butt
Make it look like a quarter pound of ground chuck, yeah!

It's the sport that attracts a lot of racing fools
A lot of people get hurt 'cause there are no rules
All you need is a toxic land fill
A cycle and a sidecar and an urge to kill
Better get with the sport 'cause it won't last long
The founders of the sport are laid at Forest Lawn.

Music: Love Pads the Film

Joel:When stories were young
And dreams were not done
And sorrow was so far away
A story book scene
With songs to be sung
And life, life was just for today
But nothing lasts forever
Only love pads the film
Of all the dreams you'll treasure
Only love love pads the film

Tom: The love that you make
With two hearts as one
All told, will still flow in the wind.

Crow: You give all you take
A day in the sun
But even the sun must descend.

All: But nothing lasts forever
Only love pads the film
Of all the dreams you'll treasure
Only love love pads the film

And a Ho-Down!:

So you hurl 'em on the ground and do-se-do
Make 'em sign like a so-pran-o.
Sidehack
Then you fall off the bike flat on your ass.
And you fill your butt full of prarie grass
Stick your can up in the air
And show us you can like you don't care.
Sidehackin'
Well you grab JC and you swing him around
Then you get him on the sidehack and throw him down.

Zingers

"You know, now that sidehacking is so big it's really neat to see its humble origins."

"Help! I'm sidehacking and I can't get up."

"Grr, Grog think love good."

Magnificent Son of a Bitch: We're having some trials this weekend.
Joel: Hey this whole movie is a trial.

Rommel: I like everybody.
Joel: I even like Gallagher for crying out loud.

White Trash: I'm more of a woman than you'll ever know you son of a bitch.
Crow: Uh, that's magnificent son of a bitch.

"We used to come here and club seals together."

"Don't wait up, I'll be dead!"

"Uhllllll....promise no more jokes and I'll tell you what you want to know."

"Note to myself: load guns before killing spree."

My Thoughts

On the Film: How much ugliness can you cram into one movie?

Mike and Frank as JC and Gooch is one of my favorite hexfield moments. Absolutely priceless. Also, Love Pads the Film is a classic in my book. A lot of the jokes are hard to describe for this episode because they put in goofy voices and critically timed remarks for the action. It takes real advantage of the crap that is Sidehackers.

Still Store

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