MST3K: Rocket Attack U.S.A.

Episode Rating: 2 stars

Plot: The lesson of the Cold War is that despite how effective and clever our spies are, they're still not enough to stop the Russkies from nuking Manhattan with a missile. I'm not sure what kind of propaganda that is - I guess they would have succeeded if we all just hated communism a little more. It's surprising too how badly our spies botched it; I mean, the base with this super missile has an open gate with just one guard on duty. It's less well guarded than a parking garage. And yet, our hero still fails, and a man in New York has his tie destroyed. And let's not forget the surreal moment of the blind man going "help me."

Short: The Phantom Creeps - The plane crashes as it did at the end of the last reel. For no discernible reason, Bela's wife is killed on impact and the government agent isn't so much as bruised. The reporter that looks like Madonna is arrested, and everyone goes back to the lab to talk about their colons. Bela shows back up and invisible wackiness ensues.

Opening: Tom Servo gets a haircut with a belt sander. "Teasing plastic takes protein out," Joel says in a British voice.

Invention exchange: Joel makes an adding machine that prints out candy on bits of paper, so you can eat your losses. The Mads make water polo out of an old foosball table.

Host segment 1: Reflecting on the Cold War and the Charlie McCarthy era. Howdie Doody quickly named names - turns out Gumby and Pokey were in bed with the Chinese. Crow: Well, I'm sure glad I'm not a puppet.

Host segment 2: A game show about nuclear war. "Could you state that in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?"

Host segment 3: The SOL makes contact with a Russian satellite and a cosmonaut. "Tell your American vocalist glory hole Billy Joel he did nothing for glasnost."

End: Everyone rants about how much they hate the movie. "All we learn is that we should live in the suburbs, not in the city."

Stinger: Sirens blare while blind guy walks up the road, then: "Help me."

Music: Closest is during the dance number in the resaurant with bad service:

R-O-C-K-E-T in the U-S-A!
R-O-C-K-E-T in the U-S-A!

Zingers

Madonna: My paper would like to get an official statement from you.
Crow: Get bent, is that official enough for you?

Scientist: This is the first time I've had the chance to test the antidote.
Crow: Usually I just get the puppy drunk.

Officer: There something queer about this place.
Joel: Yeah, it's Oscar Wilde's birthplace, so what?

Girl: Is he dead?
Cop: No, just stunned?
Crow: Stunned?! He took six bullets!

Joel: Remember guys, this is filmed in color, everything is gray in Russia.

Guy called into office: So, what's up?
Tom: Your number, pink boy.

Crow: They can't even afford to burn paper in this movie.

Lady: My family was killed resisting the Germans. I escaped to Turkey and later married one of your airmen. He was killed in an accident and that's when I made my decision.
Joel: Wow, you're missus bad luck, aren't you.

Spy lady: When Joseph gets drunk he comes here. For your own sake I don't think you'll want to overhear some of the things that happen.
Joel: Hey, listen, I'll only watch 'til I run out of quarters, okay?

Tom: Peace, it's a real bitch.

Spy lady: Why can't he go home to his wife? Tom: Because she's fat and bald too.

Scientist: So we were just switching to radar controls and then everything went boom.
Tom: Uh, could you put that into layman's terms, please?

Joel: (as a beeping noise enters its third minute of continuous noise) I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying.

My Thoughts

This film is kind of adorable in its awfulness. The narration over the arguing Soviet leadership, the fat couple and the burning tie, the blind guy going "Help me" which was so surreal it inspired the stingers for each episode. I think it was Frank who commented in the book that the way the movie treats it, a hit by a nuclear warhead would just be one more thing to annoy New Yorkers - a pretty accurate and hilarious assessment.

Still Store

MST3K, and all related characters are property and trademark of Best Brains.
All images from the film are the property of their respective owners.
The views expressed herein are those of the author and do not reflect the views of anyone
connected with Best Brains.
All original material copyrighted.