MST3K: The Hellcats

Episode Rating: 1 star

Plot: Near as I can tell, the plot is that a snitch inside a biker gang fakes his own death, but is killed for real by a sniper. This causes Ross "Sidehackers" Hagen to come avenge his brother's death by joining the biker gang and we spend about two thirds of them film watching them either ride their bikes or act like high/drunken idiots while bad music plays. This film borders on being a war crime.

Opening: Everyone's sick, even Magic Voice. They take medicine for it, one of the side effects being flashbacks.

Invention exchange: Joel creates a device that translates what you say into a tube into sign language. The Mads have turned hobbie horses into hobbie hogs.

Host segment 1: Tom flashes back to when they all imitated William Shatner with fake hands.

Host segment 2: Crow flashes back to when they were trying to see if things were funny or not funny while floating.

Host segment 3: Joel flashes back to when he shows the bots different scopes.

End: Everyone admits they keep a diary. Frank starts crying, he's so touched. "Why can't we know love the way they know love!!!"

Stinger: Angry wet trumpet player screams gibberish.

Music: The Bike Song, No Wait, The Heroin Song

This ones got an orange gas tank
This ones got shiny chrome
This ones got all you need
This ones got-

Oh, this must be the heroin song.
No, it still works.

This ones filled with speedballs
Heat this spoon above the candle and she-

Hellcats Theme

Hell-cats! It's really full of strings.
Hell-cats! Little frilly things.
They are upside-down
When they get in a dressing gown.

Hell-cats! Wearing Holsten ensembles.
Hell-cats! Losing all their marbles.
Hell-cats!

Zingers

Joel: What is this, Sgt. Exposition and Det. Plot-point?

Tom: I bet if the Mads sent us Citizen Cane it'd contain twenty minute sled-sequences.

Crow: She's got really nice skin for a junkie.

Biker: What a drag, man.
Crow: Great way to ruin a party. I hate when people OD.

Doped up guy: Everything's a big zero...
Tom: He must be their accountant.

Really, really doped up guy: Roses are green, violets are red.
Joel: I like to shoot heroin straight into my head.

Crow: It's the neighbors, they've come to borrow a cup of smack.

Crow: I get it, it's a triathalon: bike race, knife fight, beer-guzzling.

Ross: I've got a mind like a sponge.
Tom: You can clean sinks with it.

Tom: [after high guy's girlfriend dies] Why's he so sad? I mean, there's gotta be more pot-bellied, sack-breasted, scum of the Earth with butts like leather pancakes for him to love.

Kooky: Just time to pay back the takers.
Joel: Not even Kooky knows what that means.

[As the bikers beat the shit out of the "villains"]
Joel: So they woozled their fonclers and wonked on their kooklers
Crow: They frood the fizwanklers and moved their kanflanklers/They beat on his kidneys and turned them to mush/They pounded his brain and it started to gush.

My Thoughts

You can tell there was still some lingering bitterness over Sidehackers, as there were mocking references to it before they even got into the theater the first time. Surprisingly, this film is even worse, and even Joel and the Bots can't really salvage much from it like in Sidehackers. Watching this makes the Planet of the Apes seem like a thoroughly justified fate for our twisted amoral species. What's even worse is that we find out that this collection of misfits, junkies, and thugs are apparently supposed to be the good guys, because they come to the rescue of Ross and beat the piss out of the "villains" (guys who seem just as bad, but because they don't f**k each other wherever they happen to be standing are apparently unsympathetic). Incidentally, who did the producers have to borrow money from that they were forced to hire the main bad guy that they did, despite the fact that his acting abilities are truly zero - I mean, not badly acting, just not acting at all!

Last week we saw that Joel couldn't do his invention, but he had it all ready to go. It actually was the translating sign language thing, so pretty nifty bit of continuity there. We also get the return of "You and your daughter are doomed!"

Still Store

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