MST3K: Godzilla Vs. The Sea Monster

Episode Rating: 1 star

Plot: "Plot" doesn't fit so much as "a series of things that happen." Here's what happens: a boat sinks, so a couple guys lose a dance contest and decide to break onto a boat that belongs to a thief. He's just committed a crime, so allows them to stay so that one of them can hijack the boat. The boat sinks, they wash up on shore, discover an evil military organization trying to build nuclear weapons, and also spot some natives grinding yellow stuff, while other natives do interpretive dance for Mothra. They then awaken Godzilla, who beats the shit out of the Sea Monster, but not before it kills all the bad guys. The island blows up as Mothma saves all the good people with one tiny little net while Godzilla just stands there looking stupid.

Opening: Joel reads The Velveteen Rabbit to the bots. It runs kind of long.

Invention exchange: Joel can play a guitar with his thoughts. Forrester makes guitars out of doggies squeaky toys, possibly the most annoying sound I've ever heard.

Host segment 1: Godzilla Geneology Bop: All the connections of Godzilla.

Host segment 2: Joel decides to build models of things on Earth from stuff around the Satellite; they're not very good, and Joel is also clearly off his rocker. "It's not just a pile of junk, last week I caught him kneeling in front of a picture of Leonard Nimoy. He was burning incense and singing snatches of the ballad of Bilbo Baggins."

Host segment 3: Crow and Servo are the Mothra girls. Mothra shows up isn't very happy.

End: Joel and the Bots do things that celebrities never actually said.

Stinger: Mothra girls bow, then more dancing.

Music: Godzilla Geneology Bop

Joel: In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past.
Crow: You know studying geneology is gonna be a blast!
Joel: Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high.
Tom: C'mon - let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree.
Joel: Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.
Both: Oh, like baby alligators and other nasty beasts?
Joel: Right. The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size.
Crow: Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs.
Joel: Right! Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb.
Tom: Yeah, look, there's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch, they were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing-
Crow: Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars!
Tom: And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm.
Joel: You know surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again.
Crow: Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn.
Tom: There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too!
Crow: But Ernest Borgnine isn't green!!
Tom: Oh, you put him on a boat, he is!
Joel & Crow: What?!
Tom: Hey! Who's that down at the bottom, a' wallowin' in his shame?
Crow: Oh that's just Steve Gutenberg of Police Academy fame!
Tom: Huh!
Joel: To wrap it up, the worst mutation-
Crow: No! You don't suppose?
Tom: Oh yes it is! The horror of horrors-
All: Karl Malden's nose!

Zingers

Tom: Come on, work those thighs and worship that God! Two, three, four...

Thief: We're going to just fight using our brains.
Tom: Ew, wouldn't that be messy?

Doofus: [looking at things in the top secret lab] Bowling pins, they look like!
Tom: [disgusted] Secret laboratory that makes bowling pins...

Tom: Pretend you're a Picasso - move your nose to the back of your head.

Thief: Well, there's only three of us in here, now what?
Joel: [Starts doing porno music]

Joel: [loud heart beating][as Bill Cosby] And that's when the chicken heart began to grow...

Joel: [during a storm] Get an ark, and get to of every kind of monster.

Crow: All these monster fights are rigged.

Eyepatch Guy: Set the reactor, and set it on nuclear!
Crow: Oh great, what was it set on before, defrost?

My Thoughts

From the highs of last week to the lows of this week, the other Godzilla movie just seems to flop all around. I'm not really sure what caused it, I mean, sure there's some padding, but even when it's not padded, the riffing is pretty lame. The Gilligan's Island thing gets beaten into the ground, the non sequitur Planet of the Apes callbacks, it wasn't their shining moment. Even the God thing isn't done properly (clouds flash up and they imitate God) as it's mostly just repetition; the only time beyond the first use when it was funny was them commenting on how fake the model looks, then it flashes to clouds and Crow, as God, goes "Fakey!" and it cuts back to the model. That was good, but the other six times was just really lacking in any thought beyond "I'm being God." This is one of those rare episodes where the host segments are actually better than the movie.

The movie's even worse than last time, too (I know, they're supposed to be bad, but why is it so much worse than the last one?) When we first see Godzilla, he honestly looks like a mutant Cookie Monster. And the music is atrocious. What was it about the past century that made people think xylophone music would make for good atmosphere music?

Also, just out of curiousity, who had The Velveteen Rabbit on their minds? That's two host segments in two weeks where it was brought up?

Still Store

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