MST3K: Lost Continent

Episode Rating: 2 stars

Plot: Rock climbing. A scientist who's sometimes a Nazi, sometimes a Russian, designs a rocket, but the thing crashes in the middle of nowhere. As head of the project, naturally he has to go into the field to retrieve it along with his two flunkies, one of whom is the dad from Leave It To Beaver, flown there by Caesar Romero and another guy, and failed comic relief by Sid Melton, aka, Monkey Boy. Because the film does not have a real story, roughly forty percent of it is just of people climbing fake sets or walking through fake jungles. Includes the hilarious image of man-eating apotosaurs and triceratops done in the typical stop-motion animation of the time.

Opening: Joel thinks he's a basketball coach and tries to get the team prepped for today's big game. Tom: "Coach, if I really sky under the boards tonight, can I get some arms that actually work?"

Invention exchange: Frank unwittingly takes exercise equipment and turns them into the real things they emulate, like a staircase and a rowboat. Joel doesn't get to do his invention and is upset, so he gets a shock to the shammies to make him get into the theater.

Host segment 1: A ship that comes into range looks like a flying house. Inside, Mike Nelson is Hugh Beaumont, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse coming with a message of death.

Host segment 2: Joel is the star of The Explorers. Crow: "Geez, this sketch is gettin' preachy."

Host segment 3: In imitation of the film, Joel and the bots admire something really cool out the window for a long time without us ever seeing what it is.

End: Joel and the bots do post-film commentary like an entertainment show, mocking it in their cruel matter-of-fact comments. Crow goes too far: "Director Neufeld, a known Nazi spy, cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew by doing cruel things to his dog with a fork."

Stinger: A long-rambling scene by a cigarette-smoking pilot lying in front of a campfire.

Zingers

Joel: [reading opening credits] Jack Greenhalgh?
Tom: He's in charge of phlegm.

Nazi Scientist: Philips, get me a reading on altitude and distance.
Tom: Philips, get me a screwdriver.

Nazi Scientist: Are you sure your reading is correct? Are you sure you haven't miscalculated?
Joel: Oh yeah, I'm the jerk. It couldn't be your crappy rocket.

Crow: [after plane crash] Let's form a soccer team and eat each other!

Joel: Well, remember the rule, everybody: if you don't understand it, shoot it.

Pilot: Gimme a cigarette, will ya?
Joel: The thinner the air, the richer the smoke!

Joel: I never knew mountain time was so slow?

Crow: [after five straight minutes of nothing but rock-climbing] Would someone please tell the director about compressing time through editing?!

Philips: It's like taking your temperature, sergeant.
Joel: Yeah, now bend over.

Loser: [patting parachute] Just keep your nylon all in one piece, baby, I may be needing you yet.
Crow: Still talkin' to crap, huh monkey-boy?

Tom: [as they discuss sitting on a pile of uranium] One day I'll be able to tell all this to my three-headed grandchildren.

My Thoughts

I forgot how really uncomfortable all these old black and white explorer films make me. I saw one once where a party was going along a path up a mountain, and one of the African locals hauling some gear was struck by falling rocks. They saved the gear, but he plummeted too his death. As the white guys looked on, one of them commented that it was "too close." It's funny how the joke in Blazing Saddles where they rescue the handcart but don't think at all about the two black guys in it was just done in seriousness.

One of the things about season two was that it had some really, really weird host segments, yet wonderful in their insanity. Mike Nelso as Hugh Beaumont was lovably bizarre, like the Orville Popcorn sketch we'll see in Godzilla vs. Megalon. We get a reference to Jungle Goddess with the "french-fried potatoes!" and The Phantom Creeps with a Bela "Of course, this will simplify everything!"

A great little bit when he's kissing her and the doorbell goes off, but the doorbell is a buzzer. Tom comments that she's an operation game, where if you touch her in the wrong place she buzzes. Fun little riff. There's actually some other great bits that I couldn't really present in this web format. What holds this back from being a higher rated episode is two things. First, Rock-climbing. There's just so much of it that even our heroes can't stop it from being dull after a while. Second, by parodying the movie with the long sketches, it did too effective a job. The "cool thing" and the explorers reached an "Okay, we get the point" about halfway through.

Still Store

MST3K, and all related characters are property and trademark of Best Brains.
All images from the film are the property of their respective owners.
The views expressed herein are those of the author and do not reflect the views of anyone
connected with Best Brains.
All original material copyrighted.