Dawn of Forever, Part XXIII

"I don't think you're crazy."

Sebastian squeezed Jorri's hand. "I don't know what I'd do without you. There's no one else I can really talk to." The word "soul mate" didn't begin to do the feeling of being with her justice.

"So, why don't you tell me how you feel, Bastian?"

Sebastian wet his lips as he thought about it. "I'm just so lonely, Jorri. I never imagined I could feel this alone."

"I don't understand," Jorri said, sliding closer to him. "You're with millions of Borg, right? How can you feel alone among so many people? Don't they talk to you?"

"Yes."

"Provide for you?"

"Yes."

"Do whatever you ask?"

"Yes."

"Then how can you be alone?"

Sebastian hesitated. "It came to me the day I realized that I was never going to experience any happiness that did not originate within me."

"What do you mean?"

"If I want something, something to make me happy, I'll make it happen, or I'll ask the Borg to do it. But whatever it is, even if they provide it, it will only be because I want it." He was quiet for a while. "The times I would wake up, and you'd be rubbing my back for me, without thought, just a spontaneous gesture of affection... I never realized how precious a thing that was. Receiving something simply for the purpose of bringing you joy... that's something that can only come from someone who genuinely cares for you."

"And that's the problem," Jorri observed. "Because by their nature the Borg can't care for you in that capacity."

Sebastian nodded. "Anything I want, I know they would provide to me. I can surround myself with joy, if I desired it. But it's just an empty thing, Jorri; it's no different than locking myself in a holodeck and satisfying my whims, it's just mechanics, nothing more. Because there's no emotion behind it besides my own."

"I see," Jorri said. "I can imagine how lonely that could be. It'd be like walking around and telling everyone that tomorrow was your birthday, but then when it comes it doesn't matter about the cake and the gifts and the friends, you know it's only there because you asked for it; if you hadn't said anything, it would never have happened. It's stripped of its meaning."

"That's exactly it."

Jorri patted his hand again. "You could leave," she pointed out.

"That wouldn't change anything," Sebastian said. "The Borg are not the problem. My life is the problem, and it's not a problem I can fix."

"You'd think that that would be the one problem you could fix," Jorri said.

"Yeah," Sebastian replied, then lounged back. He looked grim. "You'd think that would be something we could control."

"But sometimes we're left alone," Jorri said. "And we don't have any control over it."

"We should."

"But we don't. You can't fix everything. Some things, when they're broken, just can't be mended."

"Like people."

"Like people," Jorri agreed. "People die, Bastian. You can try to stop it, but once it happens, you can't undo it." Sebastian said nothing. "I died," Jorri reminded him.

Sebastian turned away. "Yeah," he said, eyes downcast. "Yeah, I know."

"It wasn't your fault. Don't blame yourself."

Sebastian covered his face. "You were the most important person in my life," he said, his voice shaky. "I couldn't save you..."

"You can't save everyone, Bastian," Jorri said.

"I'm not asking to save everyone, just you."

"Bastian," Jorri said, "look at me."

"I can't."

"Why?"

A sob slipped out. "It hurts too much."

"It will always hurt, Bastian." Jorri said. "I'm sorry to say that. But with time, it will hurt less, but not if you keep running away from it, if you keep trying to pretend it didn't happen."

"Jorri," Sebastian said, squeezing her hand with his tightly, "I understand now why my father did what he did over the Borg homeworld. Because there is no sin in the universe so base and vile that I wouldn't commit to bring you back to me."

"Don't do this," Jorri said. "We loved one another, and that was a beautiful thing. Don't turn it into something wicked."

"It's such a little thing," Sebastian said. "Why couldn't you and I be happy? Two people, soon to be three, and the universe couldn't leave us be? It's unfair."

"Life's unfair, Bastian," Jorri said. "We weren't the first, and we won't be the last."

"But I would have given anything else!"

"But you don't get to make those choices, Bastian. Sometimes you have to just accept that there are things beyond even your control. Things which the Jedi, not even the Borg, can accomplish." She put her hand on his shoulder. "Look at me." He screwed his eyes shut. "You never allowed yourself to really say goodbye, to really grieve. You joined the Borg, and the pain ended, but now you're back and you're trying to pretend it's all over. You're still living in the fantasy world, Bastian, still thinking that maybe if you kill enough Vong that I'll somehow magically be in your life again. Bastian," she kissed his cheek, "I'm not coming back." His eyes were still closed but he nodded, just a little. "Look at me."

Sebastian finally forced his eyes open and turned and looked Jorri in the face. The floodgates opened. A decade of emotion was bottled up inside him, and he couldn't hold it back any longer. He put his head on Jorri's shoulder and clung to her, weeping without words while she gently stroked his back.

"Ev- Ev- Ev- Everyday I w-wake up," Sebastian got out eventually, "and you're n-n-not there. I d-d-don't know if I can keep doing that, Jorri. It- It- It's my fault! I thought we'd have time, and I squ-squandered it!!!"

"Shh," Jorri said, "it's all right."

"I w-wasn't there for you when you were alive," Sebastian said, "and I w-w-wasn't there to save you! I'm so suh-sorry!"

"I know Sebastian," Jorri said. "Because I love you. I always understood."

"Please don't leave me! Please!"

"You know I'm already gone, Bastian."

"I can't go on alone, Jorri," Sebastian said. "I don't mean the war... I can't go on living without you!"

"If you love me, Bastian, then you will." Sebastian cried; Jorri rocked him a little. "You won't stop thinking about my death, Bastian, and you're letting it overshadow my life. The times that we did have for each other. The sunset on Tatooine, our wedding on Earth... that night on leave on Chandrilla, where we loved each other so much that we created life. Our lives together were short, Bastian, but there was so much joy. Remember it, please. Stop watching me die and start watching me live."

"That juh-just reminds me of what we've lost."

"It's not lost, Bastian. True there won't be new experiences, but no Sith can take away what we had, can steal away those moments of love and happiness that we shared. You want to prove you love me?"

"Yes."

"Then understand that you don't have to be strong all the time." She pushed Sebastian back so she can look him in the face. "Stop listening to the Vong."

"What?" Sebastian asked.

And then he could hear what had always been there, a quiet background noise that was so much a part of his life that he had tuned it out of his conscious mind. It swelled as he focused in on it, so that it was soon an overwhelming chant. "Unworthy! Unworthy! Unworthy!" And overlaid on it was his own voice. "Be strong. Be strong. Be strong."

Sebastian closed his eyes, more tears joining the ones that had blazed the trail. "Or they'll take it all away." He sniffed. "Be strong, or they'll take Jorri away.... be strong..."

"I didn't die because you were unworthy of me, Bastian," Jorri said. "I died because sometimes there are things that nobody in the universe can stop."

"If you're not strong, you'll be alone... only the strong are worthy."

"I didn't leave you because you weren't strong enough."

"If you're not strong, no one will love you... only the strong are worthy of love."

"You are strong, Bastian," Jorri said. "But that's not why I loved you, and you know that."

"If you're not strong, you'll lose everything. They're going to take it all away from you."

"One man against the Vong and the Sith," Jorri said. "You didn't lose us because you were weak, Bastian. You tried."

"It wasn't enough," Sebastian said.

"But it was all you had," Jorri said. "No one can expect more from you than everything, why do you hold yourself to an impossible standard?"

"How can a man hope to save two galaxies when he can't save the woman he loves?" Sebastian asked.

"Maybe you're not as alone as you feel?"

Sebastian's grief gave way to anger. "Why should I bother?" he demanded. "They weren't there when I needed them, why should I be there for them?!"

"Because the boy that I loved wouldn't stand by and do nothing," Jorri said. "Because it was his kindness, his generosity of spirit, that drew me to him. You had a power over me you can't begin to imagine, but it never had to do with how strong or weak you were." She took hold of his hands. "I followed you, Gorren followed you, Kilana followed you, the Rebel Alliance was built by you. Don't you see, the same thing that's destroying you inside is what's going to help you do the impossible."

"What are you talking about?"

"You keep saying that it's unfair. You keep saying that it's not the way things should be. That's the point! You can look at the universe and see the way things are, but also see the way it should be! And you have the talent to share others in your vision, so that no price would be too high, so that no one can refuse you. Look at you, you've even managed to tame the Borg!" Jorri looked at him with pride, and the look made him smile despite everything. "What's driving you is that you are the biggest obsessive-compulsive there is, because there's an untidy universe, and you have to fix it, and you know how to fix it. Remember when you'd play a dozen or more games all at once; it was 'all just one big game?'"

"This isn't a game, Jorri," Sebastian lamented. "You're dead!"

"But the point is there, Bastian. You can look at the big picture and the small picture at the same time. You can see how the little pieces, completely independent of the little pieces elsewhere, are nevertheless part of the entire problem. And you know how to move them to solve those problems. Some things are beyond you Sebastian like bringing me back to you... you are not a super-being, you don't have that power. But saving the galaxies-"

"I am sick to death of hearing that," Sebastian finally said. "Why is this being demanded of me? I only want one thing, Jorri, and that's too much to ask for?"

"You're not doing this for anyone but yourself, Bastian," Jorri said. "There is no one out there compelling you to do this, no one that you can think to negotiate with for your part in this. The force compelling you to fulfill this destiny is you, and that's why it can't give you what you want."

"But," Sebastian fumbled for the words. "But if the universe is so uncaring, then why bother at all?"

"You tell me," Jorri said. "Like I said, you're the one making yourself do this. You've volunteered to take the responsibility."

"I know." Sebastian closed his eyes and leaned against her. "But sometimes... it's such a burden..."

Jorri nodded, then kissed him. "Then put it down for a moment, Bastian. I told you, you don't have to be strong all the time." She adjusted her position and laid his head down on her lap, stroking it gently. "For a little while, let yourself be the little boy you were before the Vong took you away. Allow yourself a moment's weakness, so that when the time comes, when you need to be strong, you'll be able to find it." She touched him so tenderly, like she used to. "Let me carry you for just a little while."

Sebastian laid there, feeling oh so content. "Is this a dream?"

"It could be; you are asleep, after all. But it could be a vision in the Force. Or the Borg causing unintended feedback in your brain." She kissed his cheek. "Or maybe the universe isn't as uncaring as you think... maybe it can't give you everything, but it'll give you what you need."

Sebastian closed his eyes. "I wish you'd be there when I wake up."

"Shh... I wish so too, my love. But a bit of stolen time is all we have, let's not squander it wishing we had more."

Two of Six stroked Sebastian's head. A hologram of the Borg Queen stood nearby, observing. "His neurological activity seems to be normalizing for the moment," the Queen observed.

Two nodded. "But there is no certainty that this is anything more than a temporary correction. Perhaps if we re-establish our link-"

"Sebastian would resent it," the Queen pointed out.

Two nodded again. "Individuality is impairing Sebastian's efficiency."

"That is true. But we can do nothing about it unless he requests it of us."

"We can compel him," Two pointed out.

The Queen shook her head. "Whether he knows it or not, he re-made us in his image. Such a violation is against our nature now."

"I am uncertain if our thoughts are one on this," Two said.

"Your biological distinctiveness did not experience being an outcast," the Queen said. "Sebastian's human counterpart was taken, and that loss has damaged him. We will provide whatever aide a Borg outcast requires."

"He chose to be outcast."

"Only from us."

"Nevertheless, the principle remains. We all must serve the Collective."

"And the Collective must serve us all," the Queen said. "We owe it to him."

"It is inefficient, and it is not logical," Two said.

The Queen opened her mouth and hesitated. "Sometimes... logic is irrelevant."

Go To Part XXIV
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