OVEG: Parallax

Description: There is a big problem in engineering. What is it, warp core, systems failure? No, who's going to be chief engineer. This is the thing that plots are not made of. Who will it be, the Chief O'Brien look-alike (Lt. Carey), or the brave but dangerous B'ellana "what does it mean to control my impulses" Torres. She decides the easiest solution is to break Carey's nose. We don't actually get to see that, although I'm sure it's pretty easy to picture it given the wide variety of unarmed Trek fighting moves. I'm guessing this was Move A, the open-handed strike like you're returning a volleyball serve. Somehow this move is incredibly powerful, tossing people around like rag dolls, as if they've all mastered the power of David Carradine in Kung Fu. Of course, I'm just guessing here; it could very well be she used Move B, the modified haymaker. Just to round this out, there's also Move C, the back-fisted punch (because we all know how much that hurts... of course, it would be better to hurt the person you're trying to hit), and Move D, the elbow. Every once in a while someone might even use their fist properly, but, hey, everyone makes mistakes.

So we catch Carey giving his report to Chakotay and Tuvok while the Doctor looks him over. So, our first impression of B'ellana proves correct: that she's a complete psycho who shouldn't be put in charge of an ant farm. Our first impression of the alternate, of course, isn't pretty: I don't care what century it is, you don't whine because some girl gave you a bloody nose (usually you give her a tip, but I digress). So, because of this, Tuvok wants to lock her up, but Chakotay is trying to talk him out of it. Finally he has to flat out order Tuvok not to get involved, which is a pity because it could have been one of the few times he could actually maintain security on the ship. Then he gets a run in with a couple of Maquis about how they're going to all be restricted to quarters (Exactly how long did they leave Carey lying on the floor before sending him to sickbay? The guy has only just been diagnosed by the doctor, yet already there's rumors throughout the ship about it? Hey, when a man is bleeding, put down the commbadge and help him!)

So, Chakotay heads down to B'ellana's quarters just in time for her to throw a small metal bowl to signify that she's angry. This, by the way, is the scene where something causes Torres to call him "Chocolate Day." Why, I don't know. Maybe it's an audio glitch, or maybe they had a premonition that Beltran was going to give them grief down the road, or maybe it's because some idiot said "Chocolate Day sounds like a good Indian name." Whatever the reason, it's there if you listen for it.

Ignoring the strange pet name, Chakotay tells B'ellana she needs to apologize and bond with Carey so she can have support to become chief engineer. Sure, Carey is next in line for the post, but B'ellana is the better engineer, not to mention the fact that she gets her name in the title sequence right before Voyager finishes flying through a patch of blue-green flatulence.

Credits end and Janeway provides the Captain's Log entry to help provide our exposition. The scene is painful right from the get go, with Harry delivering a report that... well, let's say you could drill a hole in Garret's torso and drain out the sap. Then Neelix and Kes come stumbling in. Janeway politely explains this is a meeting for the senior officers. Since Neelix has a way of missing the point that rivals mike3, he focuses on the "senior" part rather than on the "officer" portion of that statement ("I am the senior Telaxian"). Being the captain of a dump truck doesn't make you an officer, and it sure as hell doesn't make you a gentleman. Still, because Janeway can't say no to anyone unless it involves crushing their hopes and dreams like a five year old stomping on a potato bug, she lets them stay.

Kes suggests creating a hydroponics bay to grow their own food; Harry, trying to stop the spread of Dutch Elm Disease through his body, speaks up in support of it. There's a particularly nice reaction by Tom Paris to Neelix's remark, "I can do wonderful things with vegetables, captain!" You can just see him trying to flush some unwanted mental image out of his brain.

Carnal thoughts with produce now dealt with, the captain gets down to business, namely, finding new officers to replace the dead ones. Now is when Chakotay makes his brilliant tactical move of springing Torres on the captain. She quickly passes over the issue, showing rare tact rather than just calling him an ass right there in the meeting. Instead they move on to the field medic position, wherin the captain decides that since Tom Paris studied some biochemistry at the Academy, he'd do a great job of fixing broken bones (Seriously, biochemistry? What's he going to do, turn local herbs into medicines with a mortar and pestle? He's a field medic, not Louis f*cking Pasteur!). And naturally, if there's a risk of people being seriously injured, you want your best pilot going into the danger rather than at the controls of the ship. As far as boneheaded things go, Janeway is already setting a pretty high mark for herself, and it's only the third episode, just past the opening credits, no less.

Before Tom Paris can finishing telling Janeway she's a moron the ship starts shaking and they rush to the bridge. There's a highly-localized disturbance in the space time continuum (that's what they say; by the time they're done with the explanation the thing could have smashed the ship, cracked open the crew's bones and sucked out the marrow, but we wouldn't want to take the chance of passing over needless rambling.) Janeway identifies it as a type four quantum singularity (tech: a quantum singularity is a black hole, although in this case it means squat). Neelix then gets a chance to provide exposition, and also try to get into his girlfriend's pants (now the viewer gets to make a face similar to Paris' from earlier).

Janeway decides to get involved instead of letting someone else get trapped. Chakotay asks Torres about it, and she gives some bullshit answer, but it's okay because Carey agrees with the bullshit answer. This causes strife between her and Chakotay, and they step into the ready room. Now, here's something you're going to see from time to time, but before I begin, let me remind you of a good show (Deep Space Nine). In Emissary we're introduced to Ops and see Sisko's office is on a raised platform "so that all others have to look up with respect." It provides a symbolism of authority coming from above. Now take a look at these two:

It's a primitive bit of psychological warfare. It kind of makes me wish we had Bujold in there for Mulgrew for those scenes so we can hear her "Now go away or Ah shall taunt you a second time!"

One thing, though I hate to admit it, is that Janeway is right. Just because someone is highly skilled in a field doesn't automatically mean they should lead a team of such people. Based on what we've seen so far in these three episodes, Torres would make an excellent second in command of engineering; she's a problem-solver, not a leader (again, based on what we've seen). She couldn't even get through the Academy! There's a mentality in Trek that everyone needs to be like Scotty, the absolute best, but Scotty's not the kind of guy who literally beats up his own men when they get in his way. Being the best doesn't make you the best for the job.

Cut to sickbay and Kes. She's making a hydroponics bay so she's come for some soil samples. Again... soil samples for a hydroponics bay. The whole idea behind hyrdoponics is to grow plants without soil; these days the term is broadened to mean any way of growing plants without soil. If she'd asked for a bucket of nitrated salt water it would have made more sense, a vat of pudding would have even fit the definition, but she's here for the one thing that doesn't fit into what hydroponics is. There's a term for what she's doing: geoponics. But, for the sake of getting on to the main scientific errors, I'll pass over this one and assume Kes uses the term "hydroponic" when she means "growing plants." I still would like to know precisely why sickbay would be stocked with samples of soil. Are there mole people on board? "Nurse, I need 40 cc's of colluvium and some humus, stat!"

The Doctor grabs the soil samples. Apparently the petrie dishes were all broken in the first episode because they're stored in what look like those little plastic balls you see in the vending machines at Wal-Mart, the ones with temporary tattoos inside. While he collects the samples the Doctor grumbles about his current predicament, and it's frankly understandable; having him cure naseau patients is like having a Cray computer add up your grocery bill. As another side, it's a tribute to Picardo that he was able to play this character this way and avoid being annoying; he's probably the only truly likeable person we've met so far. The scene is touching and yet funny, especially as the Doctor sits after being cut off by the bridge, his problems of no real concern right now; it is thus awarded the best moment of this episode.

This then segues into the next plot point: the Doctor, much like Voyager's ratings and the audience's patience, is shrinking. The bridge crew brushes him off, as they're far too busy making preparations to bring about Voyager's certain destruction in the maw of a singularity (again, too good for them I say!). I can see why that would be more important; it's not as if the Doctor is the only person on board who has any knowledge of medicine and they're attempting to resuce a ship that's probably suffered severe damage inside a black hole and therefore would have dozens of casualties in need of treatment. Might as well just shut sickbay down and divert some power to the dirt-filled hydroponics bay. Janeway then decides to head for a nearby system to follow Neelix's plan (Good God, you know you're in trouble when you're following Neelix's plans).

Oh boy, now we're in for some fun; a heart to heart between Janeway and Torres. Take a look at the picture below on the right to get the gist.

Apparently Janeway has the same "short man disease" that Stallone had when he insisted on being the tallest person in every scene of Judge Dredd. Now, the point of this scene is supposed to be to first show us that she is ready, but unfortunately what we have here is a ridiculous set of criteria. Janeway is presenting areas that define Chief Engineer so that Torres can later live up to them, but they're superficial. They are: knowing and following Starfleet Procedures, and being able to work with people who resent her. Is that it? I'd think the ability to lead in times of crisis, deligate to people you trust, and being able to balance between what you think and what your experts tell you would be a bit more important than not weeping like an infant because people don't like you. What Janeway's described is pretty much identical to the troubleshooting system found in a malfunctioning copy machine: knowledge of the problems and procedures and not caring about what people think of it. So sure, give a promotion to Lieutenant Xerox.

Anyway, another big ship rock, and Harry reports another "highly-localized disturbance off the port bow," which tells us approximately where the script is. It turns out that they've flown in a circle and wound up back at the singularity. They try again, but they wind up right back there. Janeway decides to do her own analysis and to have all department heads run diagnostics and make a report (it's not stated whether the senior Talaxian will be required to give a report; perhaps he could show them a potato that looks like President Reagan.). It also gives us a chance to bring up the sub-plot, since we haven't discussed it in nearly five minutes. The captain wants Carey to represent Engineering, but as a concession to Chakotay she allows Torres to come along. Carey tells Torres the captain wants her at the meeting, and her smug response makes it clear she thinks she was chosen over Carey. Again, why are they considering this person to be in charge? Oh yeah, the script requires it. Admittedly Carey acts like a bit of a jerk after that, but after having to show up in sickbay like a weiner and learning they're considering promoting her rather than throwing her in the brig, I'd imagine few people wouldn't be a bit of a jerk.

I like Garret Wang, so when he says that they were purposely told to act the way they did, I want to believe him. Nevertheless we are now given a third sample of Harry Kim in action where you just cringe. He has a dizzy spell that is so fake looking I thought for sure his character must be faking it (maybe he didn't get his report done). At the meeting Janeway says "I can give you a long boring analysis," but she doesn't, since it's important to pace yourself, and this is only the third episode (there'll be plenty of time for long boring analyses later). Torres is thinking about the problem with the Doctor's shrinking, to which Carey asks with slight sarcasm whether or not that's their priority. Well, since he is the only medically trained person on board a group of people who are succumbing to numerous illnesses, yeah, I'd think so. So, I guess that means our choices are a hormonal sociopathic washout or a crybaby idiot. There's no one else qualified? What kind of foul ups are working down there then, a guy with a hump ringing a bell and guy who keeps taking his pants off? How messed up is it that these two are the only contenders? At this point I'd put Tom in charge of engineering and let these freaks try to learn some field medicine.

So, they listen and it seems Torres is on the right track with thinking of a way to communicate with the other ship. The only problem is, it looks like the other ship is Voyager, oops! Torres has figured it out, but there's only one way to explain it. That's right, staff meeting! Someone get the donuts!

Now is the best moment of Voyager history, if you define "best" as "example of scientific stupidity." Torres explain their situation with an analogy: they are like someone who's fallen through the ice and is looking back at a reflection of themselves. Okay, that simplifies things, but what do we do? Well, let's assume your analogy is literal and go from there. That's like saying "Since electricity flows through wire like water through a hose, I can turn off this light by pinching the cord. Make it so!" Their solution is that to get out from under the ice, you need to look for a crack; therefore, look for a crack in the event horizon that's stopping them from leaving. Now this may sound fine, but in fact an event horizon isn't something tangible that can be cracked; it would be like saying there's a crack in the 40 degree longitude line on the globe. [Kneebler Commentary] The brainstorming Belana and Janeway was slightly scary. The soon to be chief engineer and the captain not only make illogical connections, their whole conversation went more like an Abbot and Costello "Who's on first?" routine.

Torres explains her theory, which the captain wholeheartedly agrees with. Tom then points out the question that is probably on the minds of the viewers: how could they respond to something they haven't done yet (how can effect precede cause?). When he finishes he sheepishly adds "Am I making any sense here," to which the captain responds "No." What an arrogant bitch. He is making sense, he's just not as familiar with the nuances of quantum bullshit to understand that in the area of time travel it's possible for cause to come after effect rather than before. Honestly, you just want to reach into the screen and smack her. The answer isn't "No, blah blah blah quantum," it's "Yes, but actually blah blah blah." And Mulgrew wondered why fans didn't like Janeway?

So, they run out and shoot out warp particles (tech: wtf), and locate the crack, but it's too small (most of the script writers smoked it). Fortunately we can always fall back to stupid analogy! Wedge it open with a dekyon beam (tech: again, wtf). She tells Paris to fly in closer, but he points out that the warp engines might collapse it. Therefore, they'll have to take a shuttle in. Paris then stands up and (admitedly, rather smugly) says she's going to need the best pilot, which is him. She completely de-balls him by saying getting there is the easy part, that they need someone with qualifications he obviously lacks. This line would be a lot more convincing if he hadn't prevented the captain from collapsing the damn crack fifteen seconds ago by pointing out her stupidity! Maybe he should have used an analogy, like "The crack is like your heart, keeping you alive, and the warp field is like the icy fingers of death closing around it."

So, anyway, Janeway alone with Torres on the shuttle, thus meaning bonding, soul searching, blah blah blah, they shoot their little dekyons. They come back and there are two ships, one being a time-delayed reflection. There's a disagreement over which is the right one (hmm, guess choosing this temporal mechanics expert over a good pilot wasn't a smart move, 'ey captain?). Fortunately Janeway knows everything in the universe, so she picks the right one. (By the way, take a close look at the shutte: it's the kind used in The Next Generation. Voyager is going to use a completely different type throughout the rest of the series. Apparently they just keep one of these around for the really dangerous missions.) Anyway, the crack is too small, allowing Janeway to make a stupid speech before telling them to fly through anyway.

Are we done? No, foolish viewer! Remember the sub-plot? Yes, Torres is now chief engineer, and Carey welcomes her and promises to give her his best (whatever that amounts to). Then, one more time, we get to see the captain looking down on someone from up on high.

Rating: 2

Stupid Neelix Moment: Neelix barging in on the meeting uninvited, and then insisting that he stays. Oh, and what was his great contribution? Nothing, unless you count making Paris squirm uncomfortably.

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