OVEG: Prime Factors

Description: The episode opens with Seska (the Bajoran Maquis) and Torres in the Mess Hall gossiping about who's up to a little cackaw-cackaw with each other, which is just what I'm looking for in my sci-fi television entertainment. Oh no, wait, make that the exact opposite. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm a romantic at heart, but I could give a shit about the personal life of the extras. But naturally that doesn't last for long, as it seems that the subject turns to Harry. Ah, poor, dumb Harry... we already know that any romantic encounter described will result in deep personal shame.

Harry starts to get grilled by the pair and Tom, because it seems Harry and one of the Delaney sisters was last seen together in Venice on a gondola. And, knowing this is Harry, I've got fifty bucks that says he fell out of the boat at some point. So, they ask Harry about what happened. What does he say: "We just talked." Aww, shoot. "And then I fell over the side." Hah! Marlin? Stingray? Bit through this piano wire, huh? Don't you tell me my business again!

Janeway's sitting nearby with Tuvok, watching as everyone begins laughing at Harry for being the pathetic bastard that he is. Naturally, her expression is one of approval; the shaming of Harry is always a bright spot in her day, since Janeway's chosen means of happiness is to simply increase the misery of those around her and thus provide her with a relative gain. She even comments on how wonderful it is that the crews are getting along now, and I suppose being united in their pitiable contempt of Harry is a start. But before the matter of taking it further -no doubt with a Harry the human pinata day scheduled- they're called to the bridge by a distress signal. They move to intercept, only to discover that they've been hailed by Donny Osmond in The Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. The alien looks human otherwise, and reveals that the reason for the signal is because Voyager is in distress. Add in his little accent and, well, it's Eurotrash in space.

The man is named Gathorel, and he wants to come on board Voyager to offer gifts and give a proposal. Everyone looks excited except for Chakotay, who looks extremely wary about the whole thing, and with reason. We know that in every Star Trek episode it's the law that someone wanting to do something nice either a) has a dark and sinister ulterior motive, or b) will inevitably lead to some kind of conflict that will result in a trial for one's life and/or a battle to the death. So far things don't look good for him; his only accomplishments have been (in reverse order) blessing cotton candy coated corpses, teaching Janeway to talk to a Newt, getting Neelix's lungs stolen, and unwittingly blowing up an entire planet. His usefulness is clearly limited and we all know that useless people tend to die to prove the situation is serious.

Unfortunately now enters the exception to this rule, one Neelix, who's in this scene apparently so that Gathorel looks less garish by comparison. Then again, Colin Baker's version of Dr. Who would probably look like the cover of a men's magazine next to Neelix. Neelix protests someone making food in the kitchen that he managed to steal first, but quickly turns around when he gets some of that Eurotrash charm thrown his way (Neelix's pointless whining wins him this episode's Stupid Neelix Moment). They get invited to the planet, and everything's perfect... oh, someone is so going to die I can hear the funeral bells already.

Down on the planet, first Janeway listens to some hullabulloo about silk spun from some flower, but the real news is Harry. Ah Harry... we all know that if someone's doomed to die on a paradise planet, Harry is going to grab the gold medal. Actually, considering that he's already died once so far this series, I'd lay good odds on him grabbing the silver too. At the moment he walks up to a woman who's running an everlasting gobstopper on a stick over some metal spikes and it's making some noises. Harry comments on the beautiful music, even though it sounds pretty damn close to the sound of my frickin' IBM Deskstar hard drive experiencing the click of death. Goddamn IBM... Anyway, this smooth attempt at an intro falls on its face since this is Harry we're talking about, and it turns out it's not a musical instrument, it's a weather instrument, but hey, not too far off there Harry. Still, gotta cut the poor doofus some slack; I mean, listening to a bunch of giant tuning forks isn't the best weather interface I've heard of. Even though they give some technobabble nonsense on how it works, you'd think the interface itself would be somewhat more user friendly and useful than some kind of sex toy.

Ah, back to Gathorel and Janeway. If you're watching this episode and feel like having a drinking game (and frankly, alcohol could only improve a Voyager experience) take a drink every time someone says "pleasure." At the rate it's going, I get the feeling by the time the end credits roll you'll be face down in your own vomit, which still will look better than Neelix's outfit. But back to these two. Janeway's really getting charmed by the Eurotrash, and he invites her and her officers to be his guest that night "at a ceremony that will make this battlestation operational."

Naw, just messing with you... but sometimes ya just wish...

Ah, and it's evening on the planet, and there's Harry, wearing the shirt that won him the Starfleet Metrosexual Medal three seasons in a row. He's recounting the events of Caretaker to the weather babe from before. She refers to it as "a very noble story," which, well, your mileage may vary. It seems like Harry has finally lucked out, because the chicks on this planet get turned on by stories, and she's quickly leading him off and onto a platform. They appear in a jungle and she's asking him for more stories, but of course, Harry's more interested in other shit since this could possibly lead to sex and... well, let's just say she won't be calling it a very noble story when she tells the others.

After a short while Harry deduces they've left the planet and gone to another world, and even though she's pretty much throwing herself at him now, he's still more interested in the transport device. Seriously, either he's got some deep-seated sexual issues, or he's an idiot. You know, you could always ask thosequestions after, stupid. "Alastria is about two and a half billion times the distance between Sikaris and its sun," she explains. Harry, takes roughly three seconds and calls it "Forty thousand light-years." Geez, what are you, frickin' Rain Man? Actually, some things are starting to make a little sense with that. (Incidentally, if you use an Earth-solar distance and run the numbers, you do get pretty darn close to 40,000 light-years, so hey, at least someone on the Voyager staff will do the math). She starts nuzzling up to him, but instead Harry insists they go back and that she tell him all about the device, thus proving that Harry's testicles were lost in a transporter accident. I mean, there's more to life than sex, but my God man, where's the freaking urgency here?! The platform's not going anywhere, it'll still be there to crush all your hopes of ever getting back home, whereas for right now there's a chance you can be with a willing and conscious woman. The more I think about it, the more I think Harry threw himself out of that damn gondola.

And now we see Janeway and Gathorel lounging about ready to kiss, but thank God that Harry came running in to squash someone else's chance of experiencing an emotion. I know we're talking about Janeway here, but Harry just seems to be some kind of sexual black hole, wielding the power of ten nuns at least! But Harry jumps right into it with all thoughts of love aside, quickly spewing about the platform, which uses folding space to move things instantaneously thousands of light-years, no matter how big they might be. Uh huh.

Chuck's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced Treknology is indistinguishable from bullshit.

So Janeway and Harry try to convince Gathorel to let them have the technology, but it seems that their laws prevent it. If they give it to anyone else, it might be used for evil purposes, and frankly given that later on we'll see Voyager use medical technology to create biological weapons, that's a damn good bit of foresight on Gathorel's part. So it's off to the magic meeting room to discuss it. Chakotay points out that not only could this get them halfway home, that there's a chance they could modify it and use it to travel the rest of the way. He's very excited about this point because it actually gives him a line and it's all he can do not to show a feeling.

And now comes the part of the episode where we laugh our evil laugh. It occurs to Janeway that this is no different than the Prime Directive, that the despair her crew feels is precisely the same kind that comes to other civilizations when Starfleet stands by and lets natural disasters destroy their worlds without lifting a finger to help. What I particularly like is that Harry is the only one in this scene that defends the Prime Directive; putting that in the mouth of the character who is a couple months out of the Academy, not to mention all the crap I beat on him over before, offers a serious questioning of the validity of the Prime Directive. Given how Janeway was prepared to allow a planet-wide holocaust a half dozen episodes ago, this is a welcome change.

Also, as part of my credit where it's due policy, this scene is well-directed, with Janeway at the window and the camera slowly pulling in on her while everyone at the table debates the issue, which actually serves the purpose of establishing her later issues on the ethical dilemma, and it's clear that Mulgrew is putting on a nice subtle performance with good undertones to it. Not only does it stop this constant shots-round-the-table thing that is cliche in Trek, but it makes the scene more integral to the story and stops bogging it down with these exposition scenes.

Well, getting back to the plot, Harry suggests that these people love stories, and that maybe they could offer Federation literature in exchange for the technology. You know, I really wished that it'd turn out that that lady interested in Harry was a little off her rocker, it would have made all of this so much fun, that they extrapolated the entire culture based on one fruitcake. "No, stories are no good. You want to sell stories, sell it to the nutjob who keeps running that glowing dildo over the statue and calls it a weather machine." Janeway thinks it's a good idea and plans a meeting to change his mind. Torres suggests that maybe she could look at the platform and figure out how it works. This is a viable back-up plan, which naturally explains why Janeway goes completely apeshit all over Torres for suggesting that she violates these people's canon of laws. Of course, the law says they can't give Voyager the technology, not that they can't just figure it out on their own, but why quibble with semantics; it's not as if your seventy-five years from home or nothin'.

Next scene Janeway is pulling out all the stops: she gives Gathorel pecan pie. Ah, the ways of temptation... Janeway makes the offer, and Gathorel tries to seduce her, or strangle her, it's kind of hard to tell. He says he'll talk it over with the other magistrates, but he better talk fast, because down in Engineering Torres, Seska, and Carey (you remember him, right? he was actually in an episode once; like Harry, he too lost his testicles in a transporter mishap) are trying to figure out how the trajector works against the captain's orders, on the grounds that she's an idiot. And Harry is back with crazy girl, who's been led to a rendezvous with Gathorel's assistant who wants to make the trade under the table. He says Gathorel isn't going to go for the deal, so the only way to get this is to deal with him. Harry talks it over with Paris, Torres, and Seska before going to fill the captain in, but Paris notes that there's no way the captain's going to do it. After Harry and Paris leave Seska points out that they should just go get the trajector anyway, that with the way Janway's drooling over Gathorel she can't think straight. Torres is torn: follow her comrade in arms, or stick with the woman who stranded her there and yells at her for no reason. That's a tough one.

Janeway hears it from Harry and she seems less than naive for a change. She and Tuvok start hashing it out, and really you are going to see... frankly, it's the Janeway this show needed in order not to suck. Mulgrew can deliver the goods when she's not told to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. For once Janeway does not come off as Captain I Know Every Goddamn Thing; here she recognizes what is really a dilemma: does she compromise their principles, or does she tell the crew that they're not taking this chance to get home? The way Janeway says it, she puts it in the proper perspective, that the real possibility placed alongside those ideals make them seem like such a little thing. What makes this good is that Janeway is the ultimate rationalizer; she will justify every evil she's willing to perform with her own special logic. When she doesn't do that, any moral dilemma is going to come down to "find a third way out that eliminates the dilemma." There's no third option here unless Gathorel gives them the technology.

(All this brings to mind Ben Sisko in In The Pale Moonlight over on DS9. In that episode, Sisko needed to find a way to bring the Romulans into the war, and throughout the episode we see him slowly begin to compromise his principles, until in the end he has become an accomplice to murder. At the end, after he has summarized it all, he seems a different man, a tired man, who knows he's compromised everything he believes in. But you can see in his voice and his words and his posture that he would do all of it the same, because the price of nothing would be higher than principles... that sometimes when you wear that uniform you do have the responsibility of violating the ideals it may represent to stand up for what is necessary. It's much more compelling to see someone do something wrong even when they know it's wrong than it is to see someone do something wrong and think it's fully justified.)

Janeway and Gathorel talk a bit down on the planet, and it seems he's trying to talk her into having Voyager stay permanently. Apparently, that was the evil plan. Huh. Are we sure this is a Trek episode, because I'm pretty sure there's a law that says there's got to be an evil plan for these episodes. I'm sure I read that somewhere. Gathorel gets pissed and tells her to leave, and Janeway beams up in a huff. Uh oh... you know this is going to be bad news for any unfortunate shmuck that screws up, because Janeway tends to have a very communist view of pain: it should be shared equally among the masses. As she storms onto the bridge, you can hear it in her voice, she's looking to kick somebody's ass. She says that all shoreleave is canceled and that they're leaving, but it's going to take hours to beam everyone up from all over the planet (another nice touch, by the way; usually in Trek everyone beams down to the same stinking city, when a planet's a big damn place).

Seska and Carey are double-teaming Torres, trying to get her to help them go behind the captain's back and make the deal (she said she wasn't going to, though she didn't explain why... then again, does she ever? In a rational way, anyway?). Carey says that he has two little boys back home that he doesn't want to have growing up without a father (ha ha ha ha ha, HA ha ha ha haha! Poor dumb bastard...). Torres finally agrees and the trio head over with the chips of literature (try our new Ranch style!) to beam down. They try locking out the security, but for once security takes more than three clicks to disable, and the next thing you know, Tuvok walks in with what looks like his flute case. Tuvok, however, is beaming down to make the exchange. Damn, finally he's stopped acting like Janeway's bitch! Who da man!

Tuvok gives them the thingie and they put it in a convenient interface they made and start doing some technobabble stuff. Turns out they can't use the trajector if they leave orbit, so they have to do it now or never. They lie to Janeway about there being a problem with the thrusters while they try to get it working, and things are going well, until Seska says something really stupid: "This is going to work." At this point, the gods came back from whatever smoke break they were on, saw what was happening, and all hell broke loose in Engineering. Someone starts shooting a fire extinguisher from under the floor. (Seriously though, what a stupid idea. There's this cloud coming up from under the warp core and people are walking through it unprotected. What exactly can cause the warp core to malfunction so that it releases a cloud that is somehow non-toxic AND within tolerable temperatures? Realistically, those people should have had half their body blistering and the other half changing to a sickly greenish black.) It gets so bad that Torres has to finally shoot the damn trajector with her phaser to stop the ship from blowing itself up. Seska gets ready to erase the sensor logs to cover their tracks, but Torres stops her, saying that they've got to accept the responsibility for what they've done. Seska points out that Torres has changed from the person she knew, and Torres admits that's the case. And ya know what? Good on ya. A little character growth is healthy, especially in a series that oh so loves the magic reset button.

Torres confesses, but Tuvok steps in and says that he was the senior officer and the one who made the exchange. Janeway recognizes that even she can't throw the chief engineer in the brig for the rest of the trip home, so she reads her the riot act and sends her on her way. Tuvok is told to account for himself, and he explains simply that he did it because he knew Janeway couldn't, that she needed to do it but couldn't allow herself to. By doing it himself he would do what Voyager always does, and take away the ethical dilemma. Got to admit, pretty good thinking. Janeway is still upset; she says: "You can use logic to justify almost anything!" (ha ha ha ha ha, HA ha ha ha haha! Poor dumb bastard...).

It's so fun to know what the future holds for this series and then see these episodes...

Rating: 7

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