OVEG: Learning Curve

Description: The season finale, and it opens with... I'll just spell it out. It's another stupid, drawn out teaser masquerading as character development, strike one. It's another voyage into Janeway's pointless governess holoprogram in "ancient England," strike two. And it begins with Janeway opening the window and announcing to the world that she has new breasts. Foul ball!

My one serious indulgence in life is my television. When my last set needed to be replaced, I sold a pile of collectibles ala The Forty-Year Old Virgin and picked up a 51" HDTV, which has offered me much joy since its purchase. Indeed, it's made Voyager an interesting experience, as it has developed in me a new appreciation for Seven's Borg spheres, carefully framed for every shot. Indeed, it wasn't until I saw them glide into view at large adjusted widescreen that I understood why it was called the boob tube. However, nothing prepared me for the moment when Janeway tossed the windows opened and came into view. I'm not sure what the deal is, if it's the way the dress is made or if something's been padded or what, but suddenly Janeway's got a boobshelf going. She's trying out introductory lines for the kids, and it turns out they're listening as she does so. Wah wah waaaaah! So she tries to speak to them, and as expected, the holodeck has done a clearly fantastic job of generating a pair of annoying little shits. How grand, now Neelix and the other annoying characters can outsource their irritating duties to these more advanced technologies. Imagine a transporter accident involving Jar Jar Binks and Jake Lloyd and you'll get the idea. The scene is long, dull, and pointless, populated by annoying characters, bad accents, and Janeway's nacelles. We have not reached the opening credits yet, and I already hate this episode.

And then the characters just disappear. Good riddance to photonic Limey rubbish. Turns out there's a power problem, so Tuvok goes to check it out; he finds Dalby rummaging around in there. Turns out there's something wrong with one of the bioneural gelpacks. You see, because Voyager's advanced, they've decided to replace computer circuitry with biological tissue, much the same way modern ships have replaced their armored hulls with tree bark covered with tomato juice, or rather, not. Because this is Trek science, however, which is under no obligation to be anything even remotely plausible, logical, or even self-consistent, it's apparently much better than any computer that doesn't use wet bits.

Anyway, Dalby's holding the ugly packet of goop and begins talking with Tuvok. You see, Dalby didn't report that he was going to make the repair, and Tuvok calls him on it. "I guess I'm used to doing things a little differently. You see on a Maquis ship, when something's broken, we fix it." It's really hard to fault that logic, but Tuvok is a Vulcan, so you shouldn't bother trying to wrangle logic with him. An argument errupts and Dalby gets insubordinate. You know, I may have to reconsider this episode. At least someone remembers that a) there are Maquis on board this ship, and b) not everyone is going to just get along with each other despite Neelix the morale officer telling them how they can't have their soup prepared. Much like the previous episodes, I find myself giving credit to this episode not for being great in any way, but simply for the fact that it's at least doing something that's not blatantly retarded. Ah Voyager, where you often manage to rise above the deplorably low standards you've set for yourself - you are an inspiration for underachievers everywhere.

We come back from the credits and Janeway's going on about the damn gelpacks. It seems there's only 47 back-ups of them on board, and that they can't replicate new ones, AND they run half the critical systems on the ship with no back-up in case they fail. Wow, sure am glad we went with ziplock bags full of semen instead of actually using something that might, you know, keep us alive. Before it can continue, Tuvok says that he wants to talk about Dalby. Apparently he was more shaken up than we thought, because Tuvok puts these huge and unnecessary pauses in his dialogue. I'm not sure if there's something wrong with his own gelpacks, but the man's got a problem of some kind. Out of this, I don't know if this is Tim Russ's fault, or if it's the director, David Livingston, giving him poor directions, but since Livingston managed to still do a capable job for The Cloud in spite of its overwhelming stupidity, I'm more inclined to lay it on the Vulcan. The trio discuss the matter, and Janeway - in a rare moment of lucidity - recognizes that it's not all that fair to expect Starfleet behavior from people who never joined, or wanted to join, Starfleet. She decides that they should get some training in Starfleet operations to understand why they do the things they do and feel like part of the team, and decides Tuvok should do it, apparently because he taught at the Academy for sixteen years. I'm not even going to try to think my way through that one, let's just move on.

Anyway, Tuvok shows up in the cargo bay, where four Maquis -including Dalby- have been assembled. Chakotay picked them as the ones most in need of special training. When there's protests from the Bolean - Chell - Tuvok makes Chell run forty laps. You know, I have to admit, I had those I was teaching run laps sometimes. Of course, I was also teach Physical Education for eleven year old children, not trying to show grown and hardened guerilla soldiers the needs of becoming part of the Starfleet team. Tuvok starts in on the Bajoran kid next, prompting Dalby to speak up. He says the problem with this is that the whole thing is insulting. Naw! "Take a lap" is certainly not a sign of disrespect at all when addressed to a valued team member. "We didn't ask to come aboard this ship, but we understand the situation we're in, and we've done the best job we can, and now you're telling us that's not good enough." Credit where it's due on the creative side of things: this whole scene does a good job of presenting a stark contrast of approaches with neither side being "bad," but clearly being at odds with one another. It's more of what was needed in last week's episode, really. The Maquis behavior we see so far is clearly understandable and natural human behavior of basically decent people, and Tuvok is not portrayed any differently than he normally is. In other words, we're given fairly believable characters for once. Once again, I celebrate Voyager succeeding to rise up to the minimal standards of basic storytelling.

The scene continues with our four Maquis down in the mess hall discussing what's happening. Chakotay comes in to talk with them, of course. Dalby fills him in, that they'll do their job, but not be treated like teenage cadets, and again, you can't blame them. Tuvok's obviously not handling this right, it should really be put in the hands of... of... of... aw shit, I forgot it's a ship full of losers. Dalby says there's the Starfleet way, and there's the Maquis way. Chakotay asks if they'd rather do things the Maquis way, and they agree, so Chakotay belts him in the face so hard he falls out of his chair! Man, I suppose being Janeway's bitch has led to a serious need to just deck someone; no wonder he's into boxing. He tells Dalby to go to Tuvok's training tomorrow, and if he doesn't, he'll use the Maquis way on him again tomorrow, until he listens. This is really what the show needed more of, the leaders of the two sides in this having to try to keep their people in line here; otherwise, what really is the point? Why bother mixing these crews if there's never any differences or conflicts?

So the four are lined up, and Tuvok gives them assignments on what to read, then goes down the line listing the problems with their appearance, a headband, a Bajoran earring, a medallion that's behind the uniform so that it can hardly be seen, they all have to go. Yup, I can see how this is going to make them see why they should follow the Starfleet way and feel part of the team. Cut down to Engineering, and Dalby's discussing it with Torres while they work. He comments that it's ridiculous and seems more like punishment. "In other words, you're afraid you won't make it," Torres replies, "that you'll fail this training." Um, what? How the hell do you get from what he said to that? If my boss told me that part of my job required putting on clown shoes and banging cymbals together half an hour a week while running around the parking lot, I'd call it ridiculous and probable punishment too. Just because you find something annoying and stupid doesn't mean you're afraid of failing at it. Lord knows that never stopped the writers for this show from showing up every week to crank out something annoying and stupid. And who the hell is Torres to make that kind of comment, consider that she, oh, GOT HER ASS TOSSED OUT OF THE ACADEMY! Look you trilobite-foreheaded twerp, you don't go around accusing people of being afraid they can't succeed while marinating in the filth of your own shame.

Oh, and then the B story shows up again, with another gel pack going kaput. Torres brings it up to Sickbay, where we see that it's basically a baggie of coffee grounds with the back panel off a VCR hot-glued on, showing us just how advanced this bioneural circuitry truly is. The Doctor scans it, all the while tormenting Torres, 'cause shit rolls downhill. It turns out that the biological parts of the component have an infection. And nobody at Starfleet thought to seal these things so that an infection can't get through? Or maybe putting it in something that would kill the infection? Centuries of progress that can be outdone by a jar and a bottle of alcohol? This is just such typical Trek absurdity: they have the ability to break down and reconstruct matter, create fully-interactive total sensory virtual environments, exceed the speed of light, create anti-matter, and keep you alive without lungs, but you can beat their anti-viral technology with stuff in your own kitchen.

And what's better is that not only do they not design these things to be resistant to disease, but they don't even put in a back-up system in case that happens. I guess this is what happens when the only engineers you have are those that don't mind running laps and being belittled.

Okay, back to the A story. Tuvok has everyone in the official Starfleet jumpsuits, complete with little striping to show what department you're in since that makes a big difference when you're running around in a circle. They put on some heavy backpacks and start climbing the jeffries tubes for the Tuvok marathon. It's clear that the Bajoran kid and Chell aren't in the best shape, but Tuvok doesn't let that stop him from putting them through a grueling bit of physical training. Again that Starfleet schizophrenia: we so pamper our crew that we put the captain's therapist at his side on the bridge, but when it comes to putting someone into a new workout regiment, one size fits all. After running through the jeffries tubes it's a ten kilometer run, with full packs, and the gravity increased by ten percent. "Let them understand why we do things the way we do," Janeway had said to Tuvok when putting this together. If I were them, I'd conclude Starfleet did things because they were bastards who were actively working to rid the universe of joy.

In the transporter room, we see that Chell is degausing the entire room with a hand-tool, which will take over twenty-six hours to complete. Okay, was Tuvok even in that room when Janeway gave him his instructions? Because it seem like he took "Help them understand and see they're part in the team" and took it as "Whip the maggots into shape!" Then again, Tuvok's known Janeway a long time, maybe he just knows how to interpret her orders, so that he knows that what she's saying for Chakotay's benefit really means, "Take them and break their spirits, Tuvok, so that in the end my vision will be fulfilled, and every knee will be bowed in reverent worship to me!"

Tuvok takes them onto the holodeck to test out a simulation of the bridge. They get put into a Kobayashi Maru type situation, a no-win situation cadets are given that is named after Mr. Kobayashi, assistant to the great criminal mastermind, Keyser Söze. Rather than retreating, the crew elects to stand their ground and fight until the end, which results in failure, which incidentally is the point of the Kobayashi Maru. Given that all these people live with that every day now that they're stuck on this ship, it's a pretty redundant lesson. Tuvok is disappointed and goes down to the mess hall to think. Unfortunately, Neelix comes over and plops down, saying in the most grating tones, "I feel that my services as morale officer are required here." Ugh, I could actually feel a little of myself die as I heard that. Tuvok finally tells Neelix -presumably so that he would just go away- that he can't figure out why his methods aren't working. You'd think a person skilled in logic would be able to figure out that stuff that works on people who work hard and aspire to be a part of Starfleet might not work on those that hold Starfleet in contempt. Neelix points out this obvious fact to Tuvok, that he's too inflexible and should try to get to know the Maquis to better help them learn.

While they're talking, Tuvok apparently gets overwhelmed by the stench of this greenish substance Neelix has. "Brill cheese!" Neelix says with excitement. "I made it from that schplict we brought on board last week." Sometimes this show just... God, I don't even know how to express myself. "Schplict" sounds like something you get at Octoberfest. Now, guess what happens? Yes, the infection that is spreading throughout the ship is in the cheese. But really, who is truly surprised that the destruction of Voyager and the deaths of everyone on board can be single-handedly caused by the contents of Neelix's kitchen? Anyway, since risking the lives of everyone on board with cheese is about as stupid as you can possibly get, there's no question that this wins the Stupid Neelix Moment.

Since the safety of Voyager is hardly a matter of concern for the chief of security, we next see Tuvok down in the holodeck. He's playing pool with Dalby; Dalby's pretty good too. Tuvok starts asking about Dalby, who doesn't take kindly to being probed. Tuvok says he thought if they got to know each other better, perhaps things between them would work better. Dalby then fills Tuvok in on his biography: he was raised on the Bajoran frontier; it was very hard work to survive, and he was a generally angry person until he met the girl he loved. Then three Cardassians raped her and bashed in her skull. "I joined the Maquis and tried to slaughter as many of them as I could find. How about you? Any family?" The bit was far from flawless, but it does again show the stark contrast between Starfleet life and life in the unsafe galaxy, and shows again what we could have seen more of. The Maquis were risking their lives to fight this war, yet we so rarely see anything that makes them any different from their Starfleet counterparts except the little bar for a rank insignia. How can you not have personality clashes between a group that joined to push the frontiers of knowledge and those that just won't to blow the hell out of Cardassians?

They discuss things further, the young Bajoran, the program. Tuvok and he both give the other a fair listening, then Dalby says: "But understand this, lieutenant: I don't want to get to know you, and I don't want to be your friend." Again, that's a fairly realistic way you'd expect a scene like this to end. Neither one is being a jerk here, but it's clear these two simply aren't the type that are going to slip into typical hackneyed bonding.

And then it's back to the cheese. What a stark contrast: realistic characters, idiotic plot developments. The Doctor's trying to deal with it, but no anti-biotic is working against it. It's so bad the ship starts shaking in fear. The Doctor wonders why they didn't pick up the bacteria on the internal scans, so Kes suggests that maybe the bacteria is actually the host to a virus. The Doctor excitedly agrees, because there are thousands of viruses so small they wouldn't be detectable. These are the same sensors that scan the subatomic, but they miss a virus. That's absurd. It would be like having a telescope on the moon that can see your house, but can't find Australia. The ship shakes again, and back in the cargo bay, Dalby comments that it might be the inertial dampeners failing. He doesn't sound all that concerned, given the severity of the problem: the inertial dampeners are what prevent the incredible forces of a ship's accelleration or deceleration (including changes in direction) from being applied to the occupants. You know this when you slam on the breaks or take a fast turn in a car that's going at a few dozen miles per hour, so imagine if you're traveling at the kind of speeds a warp capable ship is. "Inertial dampeners failing" should be said in roughly the same tone of voice as "my arm is stuck in a woodchipper."

Tuvok dismisses the class, but they can't get the door to open. The whole bile-filled mess is collapsing, there are no working back-ups, the back-ups for the back-ups aren't ready yet, and frankly, all these people deserve to die at this point as a monument to humanoid stupidity. This is only further emphasized down in the cargo bay, where the manual override won't open the door. I cannot express to you enough how stupid that is, it's a MANUAL override, it's not supposed to have anything to do with the ship's functions! A manual override is supposed to work if everything else is broken! That's like having emergency lights that plug into the wall, or a parachute with a rope that keeps it connected to the airplane, you're defeating the whole purpose of making a manual override! Gah! Even in a show where cheese is destroying Voyager, this is idiotic. The Doctor observes that the reasons the gel packs can't fight off the virus is that they can't develop a fever like humanoids can. Heating them up would help. "If we wanted to super-heat the gel pack system - to raise it's temperature, so to speak..." Thanks for clarifying that, 'cause I had no idea what "super-heating" could possibly mean without an explanation. They then follow up this silly redundancy with a stream of technobabble on how they'll use the warp field to do such and such to the so in so to make things heat up. The upshot is that it's dangerous, and even as they talk about directing the field at the ship, it sounds even moreso. "Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." "Total protonic reversal!"

Down in the cargo bay, a panel gets blown off, and the conduits are getting very hot, and the ship's all shaking and shit. Tuvok sends the Bajoran kid to the second level control station to try and open the door - why he waited until now to try it when they literally had nothing better to do than stand around is explained by what happens next: an explosion that leaves the kid stranded while toxic gas pumps in. Thanks for setting up that nice artificial problem there. The quartet gets a panel open, and Tuvok tells them they have to go. "It is always tactically sound to sacrifice the few for the many," he states. Dalby doesn't accept that and tries to go back, but Tuvok grabs him and threatens to break his arm if he doesn't do as he's told. He seals the panel after them, however, and goes back for the kid.

Meanwhile, the whole crew is sweating like they've gotten a look at their ratings, but the Doctor has good news: the bacterial levels are dropping. Of course, since it's a virus that's causing the problem, fat lot of good that does them. Then again, the Doctor seems nonetheworse for wear considering that he's a computer generated person on a ship where they can't even get the manual overrides on the doors to work. And you were doing so fine, episode, even with the boobshelf, but then you brought in cheese and it all fell apart. Tuvok gets the Bajoran and tries to get out, but falls unconscious from the effects of the gas. The Doctor cheerfully informs everyone that things are all better, prompting the look from Kes below.

Down in the cargo bay, the remaining Maquis trio force the doors open (apparently you can do that if you're outside), and rescue them. Tuvok admits that he had decided to bend the rules, and Dalby says "If you can learn to bend rules, I guess we can learn to follow them." Ugh. "I'm haulin' ass to Lollapalooza!" Grandpa Simpson cries from his bike.

Rating: 5

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