OVEG: Macrocosm

Description: Welcome to Voyager, or as I call it, my hell. The episode opens with Neelix and Janeway on a shuttle, talking with a Tak Tak. Unfortunately, the Tak Tak language is based upon interpretive dance, which apparently only Neelix can master. So I ask you: Neelix, doing absurd gestures while talking like he's had a stroke... it almost makes me long for the days of muttonchop man and his holobrats. But I've got to say, at exactly 32 seconds into the episode (I checked) I already loathe the Tak Tak, with their stupid movements and their annoying voices and that f**ked up thing that makes their nose run down to their chin and onto their neck, like an evolutionary step that exists just to prove that God likes messing with atheists.

On the way back, Janeway gripes about how much she despises the Tak Tak as well, and you can see her slowly plotting her vengeance... devising some disease that will shrink their nose waddle so their mouth is sealed shut and they slowly suffocate, MWAHAHAHA! But for now she decides the first evil thing to do will be to promote Neelix to Voyager's ambassador, so that she might inflict him upon any species unfortunate enough to cross Voyager's path.

Anyway, back to the actual episode, and once again presented by Brannon Braga. It starts similarly to the events in Genesis, with two people in a shuttle returning to find the ship out of position, adrift, and not answering hails. Since then Braga had the idea that greater suspense would be generated by learning the events as the returning crew does rather than going straight chronological like there; unfortunately, he's coupled it with an idea that's even worse than de-evolving into animals, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. So Janeway and Ambassador Hedgehog come aboard and there's this bioelectric dampening field that keeps blocking their scans because otherwise it would give shit away far too soon. Also like Genesis, things have rapidly deteriorated (in less than half a day, believe it or not) so that things are just not working any more, and no one is providing any answers as the two go about a-huntin' for clues.

They finally pick up a comm signal, but it turns out to just be Neelix's talk show. I'd have thought he'd stop after the mess with Michael Jonas, but apparently he loves to inflict his personality on the crew so much he makes sure to get it out there, and is good enough to set it on endless repeat to cause as much annoyance as possible. After that, there's this sound like a giant fly, and they track it to a hole punched through the transporter floor that's lined with snot - literally, it's mucus. So, among other things, we can't rule out the possibility of Slimer from Ghostbusters.

This ratchets up the action hero elements of the show, lots of running around with guns out and up against walls and all that shtick. It's severly hampered by Neelix; Neelix looks as natural holding a phaser as a nun does holding a double-headed dildo. While in there, Neelix figures now's a good time to reminisce about his youth and how hot it was. Janeway, with the disinterest of someone either trying to figure out what booger-releasing adversary she's up against or how to turn it against the Tak Tak (either is likely), just makes a passing comment, which Neelix seems to interpret as actual interest in this pointless discussion. I particularly like the 90% humidity comment, since he grew up near the marshlands... yup, he sure sounds like someone so alien to water he doesn't know what a bath is. I suppose then that the only way of explaining this is that personal hygiene is just a totally alien concept to Neelix.

He's interrupted by the turbolift stopping and things ramming into it, and then... I cannot believe I ever would have to write these words, so pardon me if I stumble. A huge phallic shape pierces the wall and ejaculates all over Neelix. Then a tentacle comes through and tries to grab Janeway. Ugh... if I wanted to see this kind of shit, I'd watch anime. Please keep tentacle rape out of the Star Trek universe, please...

So they get out through the roof of the turbolift and crawl through some Jeffries Tubes for a while. After what appears to be just a few minutes, Neelix is suddenly getting sick, including fluid in his lung. Anyone else I'd give a point credit for remember that fact, but since Braga wrote the episode where Neelix lost his lungs, I simply won't demote him for forgetting something he himself did. I will, however, wonder aloud why Neelix didn't take his coat off the moment it happened, especially when he was just complaining about how hot it is! "Hmm, I should take this thing off to make sure I don't get harmed by whatever was sprayed at me, but then I might not sweat like a pig. Eh, foreward ho!" Anyway, Neelix is so messed up that Janeway has to get the emergency medical kit stored in the Jeffries tube because it's convenient to the plot. She grabs a hypospray as we hear more of that buzzing sound and Neelix's pleas for help, then more snot and possibly a big urine puddle where Neelix had been sitting. What does it mean in Tak Tak when you piss your pants, "Pass the salt?"

So with Neelix gone, the dialogue stops for quite a while, and we shift into what this episode is primarily known for being: an Aliens ripoff. There had been some throwaway dialogue that when the environmental controls go off line, the ship starts to warm up because of the warp core not venting properly or some such - it's not worth going back to check exactly because it exists solely for an excuse for Janeway to strip off her uniform top and reveal her gray tanktop for Kicking Ass, Starfleet Style! (Incidentally, through this scene we learn that the uniform has three layers, which means that female crew members like Janeway are wearing four when you factor in the bra - I'm better larger chested female officers go through a quart of talc a week even when it's slightly chilly).

Around this, there is a lot of silly action hero behavior, including some laughable moving-with-a-phaser bits, like when Janeway comes into Engineering, points towards her left (into an area which she can see all of and can only be entered through opening swishing doors... or just bashing through them) and then continues to watch that area even as she moves into the center of the room and walks backwards into the area she has not checked and is filled with all kinds of places things can hide. In other words, Janeway enters a room and continues to make sure she's not attacked from the one place she knows nobody is and will easily hear someone entering into rather than moving along to check the rest of the room. It's not until she practically bumps into the warp core that she finally starts looking around, and by then it doesn't matter. The adversaries are there going "We may not have anything remotely approaching a brain, but even we're not this stupid."

Now, emergency medical kit in one of the Jeffries tubes - okay, I'll buy it. Somebody could have an accident, and it'd be nice if there was help nearby (though you'd think you could just beam them to Sickbay and have it be faster than heading off through several sections looking for it). But now we also learn there's an emergency Ass Kick Kit located in Engineering, on the second level by the warp core, because why have such a kit in the armory or Tuvok's office when you can store explosives and rifles in an unlocked case right next to the most important part of the ship (which also just so happens to be filled with enough matter-antimatter to blow up Detroit). And since Janeway's goal is the bridge (on the top of the ship) and Engineering is two thirds of the way towards the bottom of the ship, and Janeway's already been heading towards the bridge, it's not like she just stopped along the way to get here, she went backwards. It just one more part of this whole thing that feels contrived, and it won't feel any less so as you see Janeway switch to action mode here.

Still, I always give credit where it's due, and after all that slamming it's only fair. One of the things Janeway does is grab a combat knife and sheaths it on her utility belt. A knife is a good thing for just about any soldier to have, and it was nice to see they didn't try to replace it with some pointless tech replacement just because a knife is low tech. It's a sharp hunk of metal, that's all it needs to be.

So Janeway gets to the bridge, and we see copious amounts of snot, like a pre-school class with a cold. Janeway sends out a distress signal, but she gets attack by a bug-sized thing and starts getting signs of an infection. Speaking of which, she gets a sign of people in the mess hall, and going there sees every splayed out, sicker than you can imagine. Normally this wouldn't be surprising, but remember Neelix has been gone, so you can't blame it on his hair pasta. She checks over Chakotay, and, well, remember that this is a Braga script where the body can rearrange itself for no reason, so don't be surprised that he now apparently has an asshole on his neck. He craps out a couple more of the little things that attacked her on the bridge, but then a huge one tries to jump Janeway and she has to blast it to bits with her phaser rifle before hightailing it out of there. So Janeway gets to Sickbay, where the Doctor is waiting, and while he treats her he provides the backstory of all that has happened.

You know, looking at this episode clinically, like someone performing an autopsy on someone's Frankenstein-like creation that was sadly put down, I can understand what was likely going through the creators' minds. This is season three, where they are trying to pull out of the tailspin the show is in, where they are trying to stay on the air. And meanwhile, Braga's been polishing up the work on the film Star Trek: First Contact, and the idea of Star Trek as action is in the air. It'll be coming out in less than a month after that film was, capitalizing on it, reminding viewers of how frickin' awesome Star Trek is! Macrocosm will save Voyager!

Unfortunately, the episode had some major problems, first being that it wasn't First Contact. Until recently, television didn't have the same feeling of scope that film does, and that carries over here. It doesn't feel like an action episode, it feels like an action episode wannabe, and being a wannabe isn't a very attractive sight. The atmosphere just isn't there, and then we get to the baddies and it goes downhill.

I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. You need Janeway to be kicking butt and taking names, to go out there and show how badass she can be, blowing away bad guys in the vein of Ripley and Sarah Connor... but we have this whole nagging problem that Star Trek is, you know, about seeking out new life, not finding ways to annihilate it. So they needed to find something that no one in the audience could object to wiping out. How about a virus?! Yeah, nobody short of guys with signs saying "AIDS Is God's Punishment" likes viruses, and because viruses are neither animal nor vegetable, there's no need to worry about complaints from bored animal rights activists protesting the annihilation of fictional and imaginary animals, or of environmentalists about a cure for cancer being wiped out by the Voyager crew (see, there is no political position safe from my mockery).

So Janeway will go around annihilate deadly, evil, and brainless viruses. Sure. Only problem is that a virus is unimaginably tiny, and it's hard to shoot one with a phaser when it's that small. So the idea is: make the viruses big, so that Janeway can shoot them! Yeah, and why not?! Except, you know, for the fact that it's idiotic. It's been commonly known for years now that giant insects and spiders -the stuff of B-movie classics- aren't possible. Eight Legged Freaks went out of its way to be tongue-in-cheek about the whole thing, embracing its silliness. This wants to be The Terminator, serious action-oriented thriller. Now, if you know that giant insects and spiders are impossible, just think for a moment about something that's smaller than a cell being blown up to the size of an inner tube - it is too stupid to even think about. You might as well have Janeway being attacked by gigantic DNA strands, trying to strangle her with its coiling snake-like double helix - hiss!

Because one of the things we always strive for here with the opinionated reviews is to take stupidity and use it as a learning opportunity, let's dissect why the giant virus ain't possible. First, size, like the insects, is a simple case of surface area versus volume. Viruses are primitive contructs, a means of getting their genetic coding into a cell so that it can be replicated (that's what viruses do, they inject their code into a cell and make it build more and more viruses until the cell is destroyed by them, then each goes out and finds another cell, and repeat. When you get a virus, it's destroying your cells, which is what makes you sick). Simplifying the concept, it's a tiny water balloon, and the bigger it becomes, the more water it contains. The size of the balloon will go up too, but the pressure doesn't grow at the same rate, because your volume is increasing much faster than your surface area is (because area is radius squared and volume is radius cubed). Your virus is eventually going to meet the inevitable fate of all water balloons.

Even beyond that, a virus does not operate anything at all like the things in this episode. First, lets take punching through a door - could a virus ever be that strong? No, for the biggest reason of them all: viruses have nothing to power them. Your cells do stuff because they have an energy source and a means of using it - your cells eat to stay alive and do the things they do. What do viruses eat? They don't. A virus is nothing more than a chain letter, it doesn't mail itself, that has to be done for it, the replication has to be done for it, all it does is contain the message that needs to be copied (how to build another virus). Viruses don't swim around looking for cells to infect, and they don't head over to a likely looking one, it's all a matter of chance, of a virus hitting the right receptor on the right cell - hit the wrong one, and it won't infect the cell, period (there are some tricks viruses can use to help, but none involve actual movement by them, it's something else moving them in all cases). So this takes out punching through shit and flying around... and really, that last one is really frickin' ludicrous. These things don't have anything to show why they could fly, no wings or jets or anything, just big tentacles looking for an unsuspecting anime girl. Did they originate on Krypton and gained the power from our yellow sun? Is it part of this funky bioelectric field? What powers it, since the viruses (like we said) don't eat anything? And that's not even getting into the whole mucus thing, the way it can move its tentacles around without muscles, etc. There's one other point that I'll get to in a moment that I just can't believe made it in the script.

So we enter the flashback of how this all happened. There was a mining colony with a viral infection, and the Doctor heads down to try to help them. He eventually finds one with an asshole on its neck, and is delighted to see a gnat-sized virus come out and begin buzzing around. He attributes it to the virus absorbing the human growth hormone (well, alien in this case) into itself to grow by a factor of billions. That's the cherry on top of this absurd sundae. Human growth hormone doesn't work that way at all - growth occurs because the hormone stimulates the body to secrete a chemical that promotes bone and muscle growth, the cells doing what cells do best. A virus isn't made of cells - the largest virus ever found is still slightly smaller than the tiniest cell ever found, so human growth hormone isn't going to do squat. This story actually makes just as much sense as me writing one about how I ate high-yield fertilizer, grew to be the size of the sun, flew off at faster than light speeds, and then proceeded to have sex with a black hole.

Anyway, the Doctor runs around, excitedly watching the virus and even asks if he can bring one on Voyager to study. Damn, that mobile emitter is seriously messing with his head if he's coming up with an idea that stupid; if he gets any dumber he'll have to give up medicine and start writing Voyager scripts. Disappointed with Chakotay's refusal, he's surprised by the presence of one of the aliens... oh yeah, the people you came to help before the virus caused their horrible suffering, those guys. Apparently realizing how big a dick he was acting, the Doctor tries to get Chakotay to bring the sick to Voyager so he can help them, but Chakotay still isn't letting that damn thing on the ship no matter what precautions they take, but it seems it doesn't matter as the virus gets beamed up too, and even though they're supposedly isolated in the biofilter, some still manage to get out.

Down in the mess hall, Tom has taken over while Neelix is gone, but Torres is called in because they still haven't fixed that heating element that incinerates food every time the warp core hiccups, and now the replicators are offline. This scene also contains the most pointless argument ever given the way the scene plays out, with Torres making a sarcastic comment on the burnt roast and Tom suddenly deciding after about ten seconds of silence she must have criticized his cooking and says it's Engineering's fault lunch was ruined. There's more petty bickering that's about as natural as a fish with thumbs, but Torres goes to check out the gel pack. Now, you may remember that the gel packs got an infection that nearly destroyed the ship, but Torres apparently doesn't because she reacts with almost shock at the site of this one, which is also full of snot too. Being so smart, she decides to poke it and gets blasted by slime for failing her intelligence roll.

So with the epidemic breaking out, they start quarantine procedures, and the Doctor collects a sample to study. It quickly grows to the size of a basketball, and the Doctor decides to test his cure by releasing the containment forcefield and wrestling with it like a greased pig. His cure worked, but trying to administer it was impossible because of the ginormous viruses attacking him and threatening to destroy the mobile emitter. That's when they broke out and took out the rest of the crew. With the narrative done, the Doctor cures Janeway of infection, but curing the rest of the crew won't be so easily, it'll require a Clever Plan. They'll head to environmental control and send the vaccine throughout the ship that way, splitting up to increase the chances of one of them making it there. Of course, the Doctor isn't exactly familiar with crawling through the Jeffries Tubes, so Janeway has to give him directions, including taking a left at Section 31. Don't worry, you'll recognize it by all the covert agents standing around there.

So Janeway starts heading through the tubes on her own and gets attacked by three macroviruses. Seeing as they are filled with highly infectious mucus, she quickly vaporizes them to ensure that- Oh, no wait, instead she decides the best thing to do is blast them until they burst like a balloon filled with ebola stew, spraying their infection in all direction. There's some good forward thinking! Meanwhile Doc is stuck in a shuttle, having been overwhelmed in the shuttle bay, so Janeway heads the rest of the way to get started, but is interrupted by everyone's least favorite aliens, the Tak Tak, who are shooting at Voyager in response to their infection. Man, I think we've found the most insufferable assholes in the galaxy.

So after the Tak Tak screw up the power supply for the environmental system, they say they'll give Voyager an hour to cure themselves or be blowed up. Needing to distract the macroviruses, they turn on the resort holoprogram so they'll have something else to go chasing after. She heads down there with a homemade antigen bomb, and after one more quick knifefight with a virus, she throws it in. It produces a laughter-inducing explosion of green fire rushing through the ship, but after everything else that just kind of sums up the episode. Needless to say, Janeway's bomb has killed every single macrovirus on the entire ship, much to the shock of the Tak Tak... God, I hate these guys.

Rating: 3

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"I may have to promote you from morale officer to Ambassador. With all the species we're bound to meet I could use a man like you at the front door." Janeway, knowing what it takes to keep people away from her