OVEG: Fair Trade

Description: In the Neelix-centric episode, Jetrel, I made the comment that the writers decided Neelix was the good guy, who could do no wrong, and Jetrel the villain, who could do no right. I mention that, because I know some have commented I may have that attitude toward Neelix, that Neelix can do no right, that everything connected with him must be bad because it's connected to him. I can understand that impression, and freely admit that I am not kindly disposed towards Neelix. I also admit that the reason I've put this story off was because I didn't want to have to deal with another Neelix-centric episode, like being immersed in melted and spoiled ice cream. So, understand where I'm coming from when I say that, for an episode about Neelix, it's not that bad.

Wow, it was hard for my fingers to type that; it's something they've never had to do before.

However, all this doesn't mean that Neelix is off the hook, no-sirree! We only need to, well, start watching the frickin' episode to remember why he has his own category of being annoying. Neelix ambushes Tuvok in the hallway because Tuvok didn't let him go along on security rounds. Seems Neelix wants to become a member of security and has been studying hard to do it, but Tuvok says nothing's definite. Neelix pushes, saying that Janeway says it's a ship of opportunity, and Tuvok essentially says, "Yes, but not really." Who really knows the captain better, right? Neelix is clearly flustered, as he's used to simply pushing himself into a position and just clinging tight to it until people just give up and let him keep it, but here Tuvok is resisting letting Neelix do what he wants. Neelix even yells after him that he'll see him first thing the next day for security rounds. Neelix, you need to learn what other people mean when they say "no" to you.

Meanwhile, we now find Vorik helping Torres in engineering, serving as the replacement for Hogan who was eaten, thanks to Neelix. What a perfect reminder as to why Neelix needs to stop trying to do important things and just get back to his bedsheet-patterned apron in the mess hall. Instead Neelix comes in and starts trying to "help" Torres work on the warp core, but really he's using it to try to get her to essentially apprentice him so he can work in Engineering. Torres politely explains she has no time to answer questions for him given the work she's doing, so he nods... and then prepares to ask another engineering question. So there you have it, in the first two and a half minutes of the episode, Neelix has twice decided that when people tell him what he doesn't want to hear, they obviously don't really mean that. You have to wonder at what point Kes just got tired of his constant remarks and just started dating him as a way of shutting him up.

Thankfully for Torres, Neelix is summoned to the bridge because they've run into a nasty looking area of space he calls the Nekrit Expanse. Calling on his vast understanding of the delta quadrant, he says they should try going around it, but Tuvok points out the area is several thousand light-years wide, which would mean doing so would take years. Nice work there, Columbus. He suggests stopping at the supply station near the expanse to resupply, but he does have an ulterior motive. See, Neelix has finally reached the limits of the area he's been to, and so he wants a map of the expanse so he can pretend he knows more than that. I'll get to that more in a moment.

So they show up at the station and got in touch with the guy who runs it, Borat ("Great success!"). Okay, actually, it's Bahrat, and he says they can trade, but he gets a 20% cut of all transactions, and Janeway agrees. He also gives her a list of suppliers who might be able to help find the things on her list, but some things are going to be hard to come by, even for a guy with a head like a toilet brush. So Chakotay and Tom head down to start looking for some of them, and get caught in a conversation with a kind of blueish-grey alien like a rhino without the horn. They ask for spindle bearings for the ship, and after carefully mulling it over, he realizes he doesn't have any but something close enough: drugs! Basically the same thing, right?

So Neelix goes looking for his map, but the map dealer says no one has one, as the area's too unstable. This leads to the introduction of Neelix's friend, partner in crime, and guy designed to be even more annoying than him: Wix. And so we get Neelix and Wix talking over drinks, the kind of thing that wakes me up at night in a cold sweat before pulling my loved ones close to me and weeping. The gist of it is that Wix wound up going to an alien prison because he refused to rat out Neelix in some shady dealings he'd done. We also see the real reason for all of Neelix's behavior this episode. See, he thinks that when he stops being able to serve as Janeway's guide, she'll boot him off the ship. What, you mean just use you until you no longer can serve her and then cast you aside, that sounds nothing like a captain who would rather destroy Voyager than make a deal with the Kazon. Anyway, that's what you have: all Neelix's attempts have not been done for any reason other than self-interest.

Neelix: I don't think our captain really required an ambassador.

Not the way she makes friends.

After this, Neelix is in the mess hall, where we see the first real scene with Vorik. Vorik is a Vulcan engineer played by Jeri Taylor's son, and I'll leave it at that. He previously played a Vulcan, and while he's not as bad as most Enterprise Vulcans (including T'Pol), he's not really any good. T'Pol, for instance, is played completely bland almost all of the time, indicative of the challenge that playing a Vulcan invokes (emotionless doesn't mean lifeless). Vorik is instead played like he just got out of bed in the middle of the night. Thankfully, except for Enterprise (where I think Gary Graham is just about the only Vulcan I can remember who actually seemed to play it well) there's been plenty of good examples of Vulcans (at least to me): Spock (obviously), Valeris, Sarek, Sakonna, and of course Tuvok (even if you don't like the character, he's not poorly acted). Anyway, Vorik snoozilly informs Neelix he's here to fix the replicator. The real reason he's here is to actually establish the fact he exists. See, there's going to be an episode coming up where he'll play a prominent part, so they're establishing him early. Wow, competence displayed again, it's a lucky thing he's played in a way so I can loathe him or else this would be hard to take.

As Vorik gets to work, Chakotay shows up with Wix. Seems Wix was able to get his hands on the spindle bearings (I'll not speculate if he also came up with anything special to liven up Chakotay's spirit walks), and Chakotay leaves so they can catch up. Neelix also rudely shoos Vorik away, telling him he can fix the replicator some other time. Yeah, the man spent years going through academy training so he can be bossed around by a glorified fry cook - they should put this on the recruiting posters for Starfleet. Vorik, knowing when he's outranked, stops halfway through the job so he can come back whenever it's more convenient for Neelix, rather than Neelix holding the conversation some place besides the mess hall. Yup, the whole world revolves around the bar rodent.

Okay, so Wix fills Neelix in on what he's got planned: they're going to need one of Voyager's shuttles (with it's transporter) to pick up medical supplies from a freighter and trade them on the station to help poor sick people with a lung disease. Neelix will get the map and Wix enough money to get his ship back from Bahrat, who impounded it for some reason. Neelix says they'll let him borrow a shuttle, but Wix insists that nobody can know what they're really doing because he can't afford Bahrat's twenty percent. Naturally Neelix sees no problem with screwing the man and doesn't consider for a moment how it'd affect Voyager if he used their shuttles for smuggling, because we all know that Neelix is an imbecile. Still, I'm surprised even he didn't see through this.

So they make the trade to get the medical supplies and go to smuggle them onto the station. Wix then helps himself to a phaser, and Neelix briefly protests, but then just accepts that it's "just a precaution." Sure. You're smuggling medicine onto a station at night into an unused part of the station for the exchange and are bringing a gun... absolutely nothing suspicious about that. So they beam over and turns out the contact for the "medicine" was the drug dealer from earlier, and he and his cronies plan to just steal the drugs without payment. They get them but Wix shoots the dealer and they beam out empty handed. At this point Neelix is irrate at how easily fooled his shit-filled head was by his old friend. He decides they should tell Janeway, but Wix delivers a pretty effective one-two punch. First, he points out that this is only going to make it more likely that Neelix will get thrown off Voyager. Second, by reminding him of the time he spent in prison because of Neelix, describing everything short of the anal rape until Neelix changes his mind and says he won't say a word. That's our Neelix, as spineless as a tube worm, and just as useless.

Doodlee-doodlee-doodlee, we're in the magic meeting room, and Janeway reveals there was a murder, and there's no doubt it was caused by a Federation phaser. Neelix starts a-sweatin' as she says Tuvok's going to start looking into it, and we soon see him getting questioned by Tuvok. Neelix practically has a sign saying "I'm guilty!" as he stumbles through the answers, but Tuvok's not suspicious of him, but of Wix. Lucky for him, Wix is a much better liar, saying he was sleeping the whole time. After Tuvok leaves, Wix informs him things are even worse, that the "medicine" belonged to some organized crime syndicate who are unhappy they didn't get paid, and they'll both be killed unless Neelix can get some of Voyager's warp plasma (it'll make their ship run better through the Miracle Of Science!). Neelix objects to stealing from his friends, but Wix points out that his "friends" are thinking about throwing him away once he's no longer useful.

As sarcastic as I do get about Neelix (hey, it's my job), I must really credit the writers for the story structure. Neelix started with just one mistake that, honestly, I think a lot of people would be tempted to make - just looking the other way for a friend they owed for something big. But because of that, he's been pulled further and further into this problem, and by sticking with his friend instead of going to his shipmates and coming clean, he's suddenly in completely over his head, and the only way out is to stab them in the back. And Phillips plays the part brilliantly the entire episode. God help me, at one point I damn near came close to feeling sorry for Neelix! That could put a serious crimp in my reputation as a venom-fueled manufacturer of hate. Ethan Phillips really shows his skill as an actor throughout this episode, and the writers for once have done a good job portraying him in a way that is actually not painful to watch. What kind of upside-down universe are we in where even someone like me will admit this is actually a pretty good episode and that Neelix is handled like an interesting character? Having spent the previous two weeks in the mirror universe, I guess I must wonder if I've unwittingly used my transporter during an ion storm.

So to sort this out, Neelix goes and checks on Tom, who's busy looking for a container. Seems Janeways wants him and Chakotay to pick up some bio-mimetic gel. This made me laugh, because earlier we had the cargo that could be used for medicinal purposes, but is commonly used as a recreational drug. Bio-mimetic gel also could be used for medicinal purposes, but it also is commonly used to make bioweapons and perform illegal genetic and cloning experiments. I'm sure Janeway would never contemplate experimenting on people, especially her crew. Anyway, Neelix asks Tom about how he wound up going to prison, and Tom basically says the same thing that's been happening to Neelix: that he made a mistake, but he tried to cover it up rather than own up to it. Of course, what he didn't include was that once he did tell the truth... it didn't matter! He was still thrown out on his ass! There's your after school special, kids, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(Of course, that's what should have happened. Just pointing out that the implication of the episode -that all you need to do is tell the truth- isn't quite correct. Sometimes when you screw up, being sorry isn't enough, and you've got to take what comes of it. In Paris' case, he probably would have stayed in Starfleet with a tarnished record if he'd just fessed up, but having killed three people and covered it up was going too far to just let it go.)

Neelix goes to get the plasma, but backs out at the last minute, and tells Wix they need to come clean to resolve this. Wix, of course, greets this like a guy for whom life is a daily challenge not to get anally-penetrated, and while he's a little weasel (hell, I think he's managed to out-Neelix Neelix himself this episode) it's kind of understandable why he figures he's just going to get screwed over by any legitimate attempt to fix this. The scene is interrupted as guards show up, yelling "You two, stop right there!" at them, and you know now's the time to face the music. However, turns out, just beyond them was Chakotay and Paris, who've been arrested because they had weapon access and had been earlier seen with the victim. Oo, twist that knife!

As far as Bahrat is concerned, this circumstantial evidence makes Tom and Chakotay prime suspects, and they face fifty years of cryostatic suspension. I have no idea what that could be that doesn't sound ludicrous - is it being in a frozen prison ala Demolition Man? Word of advice: don't base your script on the logic of a Sylvester Stalone picture that thinks a big earthquake in California would cause the collapse of society when ninety percent of the country would be just fine afterwards (to my knowledge, Louisiana has not become a post-apocalyptic society after being devestated by Katrina). Well, don't worry about that, Voyager crew, because Neelix has a plan! Yes... just hop in the cryotube now and get it over with.

So Neelix and Wix go to confess what happened, and Bahrat is ready to sentence them to fifty years in the ice bucket, but Neelix says the real issue is the drug dealers who are operating under Bahrat's nose. He makes a deal that he and Wix go free if they help Bahrat perform a sting on the real criminals, and Bahrat agrees since, as he sees it, either he'll get the bad guys, or Neelix and Wix will be killed and he won't need to deal with them any more. This Bahrat is my kind of guy, even if he does want gypsy tears.

So the meeting takes place and Neelix hands over a container of plasma he got from Bahrat, but the bad guys quickly see through it. Of course, Neelix's clever plan now comes in: he's been leaking plasma, and if a weapon is fired it will explode. Uh huh. That's pretty ridiculous, given what plasma really is (though Alter Ego will go this one better by having plasma explode in the vacuum of space). When Bahrat shows up, though, one of the aliens panics and fires the weapon. We get a repeat of the big green explosion from Macrocosm, which had been the episode right before this one (ending the episode two times in a row with a laugh-inducing explosion... what more can you say about Voyager?).

So Neelix wakes up in Sickbay, and Janeway soon comes down to read him the riot act, then she punishes him by making him scrub exhaust manifolds for the next two weeks starting at four in the morning. Neelix grins the whole time; if he's lucky, maybe she'll whip him a little while he does it. And with that, they head off into the scary and unchartable expanse that... will barely matter. This thing that's so huge and unchartable is going to cause one glitch half a dozen episodes from now. Talk about a letdown.

Rating: 7

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